My 45-year-old partner insists that both of us have an orgasm together, but this rarely happens. Often I come off before her, which upsets her. What is the solution?
AS, Colaba
Having an orgasm together is enjoyable. One does dream of coming together in love and it can be possible. It needs effort and patience to understand each other and it’s challenging too. The normal time for a man is one to three minutes. Women usually take a little more time to be aroused. All men and women pass through the four stages of sex cycle: excitement, plateau, orgasm and resolution. So understand each other sexually; what arouses your partner more and when he/she comes is important. It is achieved by talking openly and clearly about likes and dislikes. Focus is on giving and receiving pleasure. Receiving pleasure assisted by masturbation in men and receiving pleasure with clitoral stimulation in women will give orgasms individually. Gradually you both will understand the timings and pattern. Anyways, sex is more about fun and not about timing.
My husband discusses our sex life with his best friend, which I find disgusting and I have stopped having sex with him completely. Am I doing the right thing?
HA, Prabhadevi
It is a break in trust and respect. Bedroom life is a private affair between the couple. Exposing it to a friend is not fair and it eventually affects the marriage. You expressed your emotion of being hurt by not allowing sex; this doesn’t solve your problem. You need to communicate openly, explaining how you feel. Tell him your private personal life must not be exposed. Develop healthy boundaries. Express your hurt and the disrespect you feel. If he loves you, he will understand. As some men like to show-off to their friends like how they do, what they do, how many times they do, how long they do. In short, it is wiser to speak up for yourself at the right time than to suppress and cope up. Talking over is better as ‘silence kills marriage’.
My wife often watches porn clips and wants me to have prolonged intercourse like the men in these films. I find that difficult. What should I do?
SS, Ghatkopar
Pornography can be addictive and affect the mindset of people. It leads to distorted personal and marital relationships. It eventually delays the arousal levels too. On repeated watching, one does wish to have a high as shown in porn, which is not true. Her expectation of you performing for as long as in porn is unrealistic. Your explanation will not be fruitful. You need to meet a sexologist or a psychologist, who will assess her and talk. Is it some psychological pattern or simply unmet sexual desires? It needs deep talking with her on medical grounds. Timely guidance will save marital discord.
Dr Hetal Gosalia, Samadhan Health Studio. Queries may be sent to fpj.sexmatters@gmail.com
