As couples gear up to welcome Valentine's Day, they look for ideas -- both romantic and wild -- to take their love life to the next level. For many, it's also about looking for ways and means to slip between the sheets. Even those who've just met want to pay an ode to the 3rd-century Roman Saint of Love. Read that as having sex. But is making love on the first date itself a good idea?
"It all depends where -- on which platform -- you've met and what you want from the relationship," says Shifa Merchant. The young Mumbai-based lifestyle blogger is talking about “new dating codes in this era of dating websites” and whether it's appropriate for the first date to culminate into an intimate one.
Indeed, in an age when hookup apps and ‘left and right swipes’ are the norm, many are looking for physical intimacy on the first date itself -- with no strings attached.
As against those who’re into wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am encounters, there are many others who are looking for a long-lasting relationship. “They believe in taking things slow, going out for a few more dates before rushing into things and getting physically intimate. For them, Valentine's Day celebrations can come later,” adds Merchant.
Although she finds nothing wrong in these changing mores of society, Varsha Pandey would refrain from having “sex too soon, certainly not on the first date!” Recalling what an American visitor to India had told her parents way back in the 1990s, the 21-year-old says, “He’d said that in the US, youngsters meeting for the first time say, ‘Hi, where’s the bed?’ These online dating apps are taking us down that path as well. I've had friends tell me that first-date sex is liberating. There's nothing wrong with it.”
So, are good ol' dating or even the three-date rules that youngsters in the West were asked to follow, things of the past? “Whatever be your belief, care and restraint must be the buzzword when looking for a partner,” asserts Parul Sharma. The 35-year-old broadcaster met a “good, decent-looking guy” on a dating website only to discover he did not just want a ‘quickie’ on the first date (“fortunately I refused that”) but was also married.
While books such as It's Okay to Sleep with Him on the First Date: And Every Other Rule of Dating, Debunked by Andrea Syrtash and Jeff Wilser may give you the green signal on matters related to sex on the first date, Tanushree Jana, a 29-year-old Kolkata-based entrepreneur would still exercise caution in this field.
Talking about its pros and cons, Jana gives the example of a former college mate who met her date for the first time in his hotel room. There, soon after drinks and dinner, the bed beckoned. What soon followed was far from romantic -- the two were joined by another friend of the guy who had been hiding in the room all along.
After news of this incident spread, many young girls, says Jana, have become more circumspect. “After all, nobody wants to land up in situations that can neither be openly spoken about nor reported because you walked into the hotel room of your own accord.”
However, matters such as these don't necessarily follow a set script. "It's all about clicking – meeting the right person, at the right place, at the right time," says Apoorv B (name changed) who met his partner for the first time while on a business trip to Bengaluru. “Since both of us felt the electricity between us, I invited him to my room, and indeed, what followed was something natural, warm, and exciting. Who cares if anyone calls it appropriate or not -- for us it was just right,” he adds matter-of-factly.
But while strong chemistry might lead to the proverbial roll in the hay in some cases, wouldn't it be advisable to wait until the two have a better picture of what they want from the relationship? A US-based study (done in 2017) certainly thinks so. For the relationship to succeed, it states that couples must exercise restraint on themselves not just until the third date but until date number eight.
Delhi-based clinical psychiatrist Dr Sanjay Chugh, however, asserts that in this age of dating websites, there are no set rules for dating. “In India, we’re still debating on whether it's appropriate to have drinks on the first date!”
Perspectives in India differ about sex on the first date. “Many refrain from it because the guy looking for sex might come across as too intrusive and the girl as too available and willing,” he says.
“But if the two have been sexually active prior, there's no reason why they shouldn't go ahead with it." For most such couples, says Dr Chugh, sexual intimacy is a given -- “whether it happens on the first, second, or third date, Valentine's Day or any other is of no consequence. It's all a matter of personal choice”.
