Candid Corner: What to do when ex tries to comeback

My ex reconnected after 6 years. In this time, he got married, had a kid and is now divorced. I have been married for 2 years and I don't have any children. We met up for drinks, and ended up spending the night together. We have been texting and talking regularly. He wants to get back together and the thought is tempting. But my husband is a good guy and I don't have any reason to leave him. I am confused. Please help.

There is an unmet need that your ex seems to be fulfilling. It will be crucial for you to identify what that need is in order to understand yourself better and maintain relationships with your loved ones. Your ‘affair’ is a search for an unknown part you want explore – a new aspect of you, or something you have lost on the way.

Often, one takes up such a big risk, that of hurting their loved one, because they are running away from their current self and not their current partner.

We risk stability, safety and love for a moment of excitement and adventure because we are desperate to feel something. What do you feel when are with your ex? Do you feel attractive, desired, appreciated, carefree, powerful? Maybe these are feelings that give you a sense of freedom, transformation and self-discovery – no wonder you are tempted.

Before taking any abrupt decisions look at the feelings and needs you are trying to fulfil, maybe with a help of a professional. There are many ways for you to achieve them whether with your ex, your husband, with someone else or on your own. ‘Affairs’, specially clandestine ones, are very painful and can leave very deep emotional scars specially for those at the receiving end.

Be sure of what you are looking for before dragging other parties into this emotional turmoil. You will be ready to address this with your husband once your emotional needs are laid in front of you. Who knows, he might be open to practice a consensual non-monogamous marriage with you.

(The writer is an Intimacy & Relationship Coach and an Independent People and Culture Specialist focusing on relationships, sexuality, youth and social media in South Asia. Have a query? Send it on fpjcandidcorner@gmail.com)

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