Twenty-first century dating is the modern equivalent of an unpaid job. You invest much, hang by loose ends and yet come off with nothing but “experience” to name for it. Be it social media or ever-sprouting dating apps, people in this age tend to look for temporary emotional dumps rather than mature and meaningful long-term bonds. From ghosting to future faking, it’s quite impossible to keep up with the lingo of terms built up by modern daters as excuses to avoid real attachment.
For those who thought matters couldn’t possibly take a turn for the worse, ‘submarining’ is the latest dating trend ready to prove them wrong. Have you ever been in the confusing yet exciting position of an ex who abruptly left your life with no closure but tried to wee their way back in by throwing a like or DM your way? If so, you’ve been a victim of latest Gen Z dating obsession. Usually a product of boredom or plain intrigue, this new phenomenon is designed to take more than it can ever offer back to its victim.
Here's a look at how those on the quest for love can avoid falling down such narrow traps:
Place yourself first
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When faced with such a situation, people often tend to forget about their individual needs and wants. Remember, a healthy lasting relationship is about two-way communication and desires. Getting sucked back into unknown territory is deeply damaging to your own mental health. “I try to remind myself that the way someone treats you says more about them than it does about your worth. I’ve learned that I tend to give a lot emotionally — maybe too much — and I’m still working on finding a balance. Now, I try to deal with such situations by setting stronger boundaries and protecting my peace. I still hope to find someone who matches my effort, but I won’t beg for basic respect,” shares Divakshi Batra, a 19-year-old graduate student from New Delhi.
Establish strong boundaries
Emotions are hard to reign control of. It’s easy to get swayed away in a moment of indecision and make a choice you come to regret later. That’s why it’s essential to establish strong personal boundaries. Knowing your limits in terms of whether you wish to reconnect with someone, how much you’re willing to open up with them and whether you see them as a potential partner help you enter any situation with a clear mind. “Suddenly disappearing and re-entering into my life gives them control over entering and leaving as they please. I would never want to be in such a situation where someone else dictates when they would want be a part of my life,” shares Ethan Pereira, a 19-year-old graduate student from Mumbai. Hence, take clear calculated decisions to minimise the risk of taking regrettable decisions.
Understand intentions
Submarining is more an act of testing waters than any actual plans to jump in. When a person tries to re-enter your life with no valid explanation of why they left in the first place, think about whether they intend to repeat the past or forge a new future. “I think many people today don’t know how to handle emotional responsibility. Ghosting and disappearing have become so common because confrontation requires maturity, and that’s something a lot of people avoid,” adds Divakshi. In most circumstances, those who resurface are simply trying to feel wanted or needed again in an emotional sense. The lack of attention after leaving another person high and dry makes them crave being the center of someone’s life again. Submarining is simply a way for them to check whether someone from their past is still willing to constantly be available for them.
Remember the past
When asked about her reaction to an emotional dependent leaving with no closure, Divakshi revealed, “I was left feeling confused, insecure, and honestly, quite worthless. I kept asking myself what I did wrong, if I wasn’t enough, or if I came across as too much. When he eventually reappeared and casually mentioned his ex was back in his life and didn’t want us talking, I felt deeply disrespected. It hurt that I was so easy to discard. Being treated like a temporary distraction with no explanation made me realize how emotionally careless people can be.” The reason most people tend to fall back into unhealthy love patterns is due to the human tendency to only remember positive aspects from a previous experience. When looking back at past relationships (or situationships), recall the reasons you found the bond emotionally abusive in the first place. Think of human connections in totality, rather than carefully selected (and convenient) pieces of a whole.
Look out for healthy lasting relationships by staying clear of old and repetitive patterns when it comes to discovering true love.
