My wife is in her second marriage with me. She has a beautiful little daughter from her first marriage who is more attached to me than her own mother. It was a whirlwind romance and I who was a 38-year-old bachelor, finally tied the knot. I remember wanting more time to get to know her and the circumstances of her divorce, but her parents insisted that the marriage had to take place right then, or then she should start looking at other marriage proposals. I jumped into the marriage because the sex was great and I was very happy to play dad to her little girl. Shortly after our marriage took place, I saw my wife snooping into my cupboards, checking my phone, cross questioning me about my whereabouts if I was away from her, and jumping to irrational conclusions about me being with other women, and getting hysterical. She has started talking about occult practices and seeing visions and hearing sounds that warn her that I’m cheating on her. This is getting more and more bizarre by the day. I tried to involve her parents but they have dusted their hands off her and do not want to be a part of all this. I suspect that they knew that something was amiss with her. She’s not a very loving mother and acts strangely with her daughter too. I feel stuck in this bizarre and stressful marriage, which has taken away the peaceful and rational world I had as a bachelor. I want to find a peaceful way out, but she has threatened me with a lawsuit with ridiculous charges that can ruin my family’s reputation. I also worry for the little girl. What should I do?
Ans: You are going to have a chat with a very good lawyer and counsellor in that order. A lawyer would help in advising you what your best options are since you are already being threatened by your wife of legal action if you will part ways. It’s best that you pre-empt her threats by protecting
yourself first, speaking to an accountant and sifting through the various assets that she may come after or claim entitlements to.
Work fast. Delusions through visions and occult practices can’t be blessed by science and certainly can’t be discussed here further in the limited context of a question-answer advice column. Such thoughts or beliefs could also indicate deep psychological trauma that will require further investigation and intervention. You need to respect the fact that you are in no position to diagnose what is going on with your wife’s thinking and mind because you lack the training and are too close to her to maintain an objective stance about this.
The time crunch that was introduced by her parents (to marry you or look for another suitable match) does seem highly suspect given the information you have shared and regrettably you are now seeing the downside of rushed decision making. This is true of all of life’s considerable endeavours (such as marriage). Managing the sensitive nuances of personality clashes that take place over a lifetime of togetherness require practice and patience. Don’t blame yourself yet. Spend time ideating instead.
You are going to have to be resourceful. While it is certainly possible that her family ‘pawned her off’ onto you, there may be money matters behind this or an elaborate scam at play as well. Could they have been eyeing your money? Could her delusions and talk of the occult be a smokescreen? Does she genuinely have a psychological issue? Does she cite an incident that involves you that upset her due to which she sees it as fit to punish you by emotionally blackmailing you? Try to get a complete picture of the situation.
Also, be fully aware that all the points listed here – at the hypothesis stage right now since I have
neither met your wife nor have we met in person. What the young girl is going through is most
unfortunate but she may require attendance by a qualified child psychologist who can invest time and patience in making sure that the girl doesn’t pick up any ideas along the way or start blaming herself for what is happening with her mother or between you’ll.
I understand your need to protect the little girl but realistically speaking, you will only be able to protect her if you first protect yourself from what may be coming (if your wife does follow through with her threats).
The paranoia your wife is showing could very well be a hangover of her previous marriage or purely delusional as well. You will also need to properly investigate the circumstances of her previous divorce. At the risk of sounding forward, perhaps even consider getting in touch with her ex-husband, if you are keen to understand the circumstances of her divorce with him directly.
Your wife may require psychiatric care, counselling and support since she too may be going through her own stress. A visit to a marriage counsellor may also help you’ll identify the source of her fears about you which make her snoop around.
(Aman R Bhonsle is a qualified Psychosocial Analyst and a Professional Youth Mentor with specialisation in Transactional Analysis and REBT. He is available for consultation at the Heart To Heart Counselling Centre.)
