Q. I got married during the pandemic and it was a small family affair. While we had been dating for 4 years, I am learning new and odd things about my husband. I am beginning to realise that he lied to me about many things. Right from his family’s financial status to several assets that he claimed belonged to the family. Though they have not been cruel to me, these revelations are putting me in a spot. What should I do?
Ans: Honesty is not a value cherished and practiced by all. It has been spoken about vastly as a universal and higher value but it is not. Perhaps this family, and your husband, give more importance to success, or harmony, instead of honesty.
For example, a person who wants to always discuss and clarify issues, would make a family that values harmony very uncomfortable. Or in a family where success is central, such as a business family, a person who is not very ambitious would feel out of place. Did you chat about values in the four years that led to the marriage? It is worth mapping them out in any relationship we partake in, not just in intimate ones, to ensure we set boundaries and expectations right.
You feel cheated but that might mean that you were placing a lot of importance on the financial assets. Would you feel equally bad if he had lied about his education, health condition or his ambitions? If the answer is yes, then honesty is a top priority for you, it makes your life meaningful. If you feel that lying about health, education or ambitions is not so bad then it’s your relationship with wealth that you need to look at.
There is nothing wrong in valuing financial security, specially when building a family, but ideally you should have spoken about it at the beginning of the relationship. You should surely confront him if you had made it clear that money matters matter. If he lied to you because he knew, he manipulated you into the relationship and that’s unfair.
The writer is an Intimacy & Relationship Coach, Founder of The Intimacy Curator, an organisation promoting self-discovery through emotional and sexual wellbeing (www.theintimacycurator.com). (Have a query? Send it on firstname.lastname@example.org)
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