I have developed a knack for having long conversations with people over calls or on zoom. The pandemic made all of us pick some kind of remote communication skills. Even for people who do not like talking over the phone, that tiny device became their only connection to the rest of the world. We learnt to speak and express ourselves through the speaker or a screen.
The quality of the conversation though varies depending on who is on the other side. There are a few people who we would want to avoid at all cost and yet others whom we cannot stop talking to and lose all sense of time. But why does that happen? Why do we avoid some people when we can’t simply put the phone down with others?
Nothing can replace the satisfaction of having a good conversation. Yet, a good conversation may not be entirely organic. It needs some sensitivity on both sides for it to be an amazing experience. Like most things in the world, it is a transaction, an exchange of the most valuable thing — time.
Let’s unravel the rules of a good telephonic conversion.
When a friend calls out of the blue to say “hi”, give them time and attention: Have you received those calls where a friend you had almost forgotten about or only kept up with on social media calls you one fine evening and you respond with an indifferent “who”? If someone has called you after that long, please give an ear to them. Make time, unless you have a deadline or are occupied with something too important to talk to someone over the phone. If that person took the time and made the one-sided effort of thinking of you and then calling you, it is only fair that you respect that person’s need for connection.
If you are planning to unload on the person on the other side of the phone, always ask for their permission: Figure out if they have emotional bandwidth or the energy to listen to you. You might require someone to talk to about a horrible day at work, or a nasty fight with your boyfriend or girlfriend, but the other person may have had his/her own challenges as well. Hence, if they seem disconnected, or not fully engaged during the conversation, it may be that they are dealing with something of their own. So, give them the long rope and don't cut them off.
Don't be too silent: “Be a good listener” does not mean not speaking at all. Good listening is reflected in the thoughtful comments you come up with. You don’t have to always say something clever or too deep. When you have been listening well, your instinct would guide you to authentic responses.
Do an energy check: The biggest disadvantage with telephonic conversations is that you cannot assess the person's energy level at that given point in time. What kind of environment are they in? If they are in the middle of binge-watching a show, it is unlikely they will find it easy to completely shift their focus and take a deep dive into a conversation with you. Contrarily, it is also the responsibility of the one who has received the call to tune out of the fantasy world of fiction completely and be present for a real person.
Take turns: Don't make it all about yourself.
Don't overstay: Finally, know when to say bye and do it elegantly. In a time-starved world, we must respect the other person's time while having our need for connection met.
(The writer is a mental health and behavioural sciences columnist, conducts art therapy workshops and provides personality development sessions for young adults. She can be found as @the_millennial_pilgrim on Instagram and Twitter.)
