My office help (L) and my colleague (N) are at loggerheads these days. N believes L should do something more with her life other than running errands as domestic help. L doesn’t want to do anything particularly constructive with her life. She is a 22-year-old divorcee with a seven-year-old son. She was married off when she was 14 because her parents figured out she wasn’t interested in studying. The price women pay for not being the academic type in our country. Now, she is in love with someone and often spends long hours on the phone. Despite the horrifying experience of her first marriage, she still hasn’t given up on men. She believes that eventually she will be rescued by a lover. Pragmatic N, who is extremely studious and has a strong academic background, tries to jolt L out of her romantic la la land. That no one would come to rescue her and she should instead go back to studies and secure a good life for herself and her son. I enjoy the drama from a distance like a spectator but never dared interfere.
Little did I know N was soon going to knock at my door and ask me to back her up in this project. I love them equally and I wouldn’t dare validate one over the other. Sensing that I didn't share her enthusiasm about “fixing” L’s life, she threw a more probing and philosophical question at me. “Tell me one thing, isn’t it our duty to empower people who are struggling?”
The value of a good question is that it not only tests our philosophical positions on rather sticky issues but allows room for self-exploration.
I wondered if it is really our duty to empower people. In a world where motivational videos have become our staple diet, it is only natural to believe that we carry a moral responsibility to empower others by telling them what to do with their lives. “I don't think we can empower people. That is for systems and institutions to do. I think as individuals we can only love other individuals, irrespective of whether they are struggling or not.” I said to her,
N is a smart woman and not one to give up so easily. “Okay. then isn’t it our duty to worry about the well-being of the people we love? ” Another good question. From social and economical empowerment of the underprivileged, now we were dwelling in the intimate territory of love. The escalation was quick and uncomfortable. This is no more a philosophical question on morality but an exploration on what is the right way to love another human being.
Love carries the appendage of worry. Eventually, worry wins and love feels worn out with all that extra baggage. To deal with the anxiety of that worry we offer unsolicited advice. We impose our journey and experiences on others. We feel we must tell the story of our trials and tribulations in the service of greater good. There is a ted-talker in each of us, trying to inspire people, impart the best advice. We can come up with a 100 slide presentation on how to live life and never ever make a mistake on the go while continuing to make horrible choices ourselves. And we do all this in the name of love. Our parents are continuously punctuating their sentences with what we are doing wrong with our lives.
N clearly loves L to worry about her so much. But what happens when any of the parties chooses not to toe the prescribed line of action. Do we withdraw our love? Do we feel betrayed that we invested so much in someone, and they didn’t give two hoots about our advice? L is certain she wouldn’t go back to studies because she never liked studying in the first place.
I know L might be heart-broken again. Love would be to watch her get heart-broken without continuously warning her of the consequences of her actions. Love is to allow each person their judgement, journey, their mistakes and learnings. Love is to witness our loved ones fall apart and hug them when they do. Love is doing the hard thing of watching the people we love suffer without falling for the tempation of taking away their suffering, or blaming them for inviting the suffering despite your warnings. These unsolicited warnings have the potential of becoming self-fulfilling prophecies. We seldom realise how cruel we become when we pin our love on compliance and constantly plant scary scenarios if they dithered. It’s a torment to be loved while not being respected as a fully functioning human being with unique ambitions, disposition and quirks.
I don’t know how to solve this problem of love between L and N. But the discussion did allow me a chance to clear my own thoughts on love. I have come up with a to-do list to pepper my relationships with love instead of burdening myself with the responsibility of motivating others.
Say I love you more often to friends.
Break mental hierarchies of power and privilege
Hug
Cuddle in a non romantic, non sexual way.
Make a cup of tea for your house help
Ask a colleague who has been working for.long to take a walk, and offer a fruit to them.
Remind people to breathe and drink water. Don't say calm down, ever.
Hold hands.
Connect your partner's laptop to the wifi at a new place. Do anything for them, that strikes one thing off their to-do list.
Have zoom dance parties with long distance friends.
Cry a bucket. Video call a friend while you do that.
Send out a silent prayer for people who you harbour resentment against, whose success makes you jealous because you feel you are better than them. And maybe you are. But still pray for them.
Sing Bollywood romantic songs in the bathroom.
Tell people they look beautiful.
Remember
You don't need to inspire people.
You don't need to motivate anyone.
You don't need to uplift people.
You don't need to show anyone a direction.
But also remember
To have a calming effect on people’s nervous system and be a safe space.
(The writer is a mental health and behavioural sciences columnist, conducts art therapy workshops and provides personality development sessions for young adults. She can be found as @the_millennial_pilgrim on Instagram and Twitter.)
