It is important to understand that every child is different and while one child might have an outgoing personality, the other one could be an introvert — a little reserved and shy. And that is okay. There’s nothing wrong with that. Every child is unique in his/her way.
If you want your child to be a little more open and come out of his/her shell, then to begin with, parents need to provide emotional support. Try to understand why my child is not opening up – not being his/her usual self in public. At home, your child is normal, in public the child is shy.
Talk to your child and instil confidence so that the child will feel motivated to be a bit more open in public. Communication plays a crucial role in any relationship and a good talk can solve numerous problems. By being patient and talking to the child, s/he might reveal the actual reason for such behaviour. Maybe the child doesn’t like certain things which makes him/her conscious. Or maybe the child is being bullied at school or is traumatised by a past event. Listen and then help your child to slowly overcome it.
Also, never compare your child to another. Many times we as parents end up saying things like ‘why is my child shy? Why is her child confident?’ Never tell the child ‘oh, your friend is so confident, you should learn or be like your friend’. It is like taunting or shaming your child for being shy, which is not correct. The child might feel dejected and even more reserved.
Rather, give your child a patient hearing when your child wants to talk to you, maybe in private and not in front of everyone. If your child is expressing his/her or her opinion, never say you don't know anything and you are wrong. There's nothing like right or wrong. Even if your child is wrong, embrace it, accept it and understand where your child is coming from and then express your thoughts. Otherwise, your child will always feel bogged down and will go into a shell, something you don’t want to happen. Let your child talk freely.
Parents should also be attentive but don't be a hawk over their child or be overly protective. Every parent feels protective but the child too needs freedom and independence. Or else, the child will feel suffocated. For example, I used to be the same when it comes to my daughter and then I saw a change in her where she always wanted me around her for everything. That’s when I realised I need to draw a boundary and give her space so that she isn’t too dependent on me. I didn’t want her to feel unconfident around other people or in public, especially when I was not around her.
Also, I will always say this, every parent must set an example for their child. The way you behave in public or at social gatherings has a huge impact on the child’s mind. Just the way you are observing your child, your child is observing you as well. S/he will in the end behave like the parent. Carry yourself with confidence, so that your child learns from you. But, don’t be bossy or bully, that will do more harm than good.
Do not get aggressive if the child is not listening to you. This will put fear in the child’s mind and will worry him/her more. The child will then never share his/her problems with you. At school, teachers are shouting and yelling all the time, but when that happens at home, the child inevitably feels wronged. Explain to your child in a calm and cool manner.
Parents can also encourage the child to take up sports or creative activities that build their confidence. Help the child choose a hobby or enrol him/her in an activity class. The child will then not only learn new things but being around children of their age might help the child bloom.
All the child needs is attention and love from his/her parents. So, just be there for the child. Take that time out from your busy schedule when your child wants to talk to you. Even those few minutes of conversation make the child happy and loved. And that’s will help the child gain confidence as well, because s/he knows that no matter what happens, my parents are always around.
(Riddhima Kapoor Sahni is a fashion and jewellery designer, and daughter of veteran actors Rishi Kapoor and Neetu Kapoor)
