The changing face of fatherhood is unmistakable. They are more hands-on, share responsibilities and also give spouses a break from household chores. However, at times, certain wrong norms get inherited unconsciously. This Father’s Day, we introspect the mistakes men involuntarily inherit and the ways to remedy it.
Express right
Usually, men shift the task of disciplining children to their spouses. Kids think they can wriggle out of mom’s punishment by approaching dad. There is no doubt that for every child, the dad is their superhero. For the child, every step taken by the dad is the accepted truth and needs to be followed. And that is what happens with the passage of time. Dr. Nithin Kondapuram, consultant psychiatrist at Aster Prime Hospitals, Hyderabad, mentions, “As kids grow, they start to absorb his thoughts, habits and behaviour and start mimicking them. That’s why people often comment ‘he is doing just like his father used to do’.”
“Dads often have a hard time expressing their emotions and feeling with their children,” he says. “When they don’t express their feelings, they indirectly discourage their kids from expressing themselves in healthy ways. This way, the child follows his dad. It can make them anxious or become sad.”
Men often do not admit a mistake. Admitting that one is wrong can be a big step down for them and anything but an ego boost. He says, “Society teaches us that admitting a mistake makes a person arrogant or weak. But, to admit it and give a brief explanation can be helpful. By not demonstrating this, a father, though being a superhero, can block the kids from developing problem-solving skills and foster a false sense of self-esteem. They have to lead their children by example.”
Men should learn to give emotional support along with financial support – that’s responsible fatherhood, says Tulika Mukherjee, a counsellor at Peakmind, a mental health start-up.
“Fathers should know the art of manliness.The influence of a father’s love on children’s development is not as great as that of a mother’s love,” says Mukherjee.
Learn and unlearn
With time, different problems arise. A child of the 80s & 90s will not have seen parents glued to mobile phones. Technology has brought in a change in the way relationships work and men esp. haven’t been able to understand this. Dr Kondapuram says technology overuse keeps men from giving undivided attention to their kids. “As Chanakya said ‘As the ruler does, so do the citizens of his country’, rings true. Designate no-phone period and stick to it.”
He stresses on men spending quality time with kids so that they can teach them good things. “Also, doing everything for their kids is an issue. Dads, being the head of the family, feel it as a responsibility. By doing so, they are forgetting that he is making the child weak by not allowing him to explore the hardships which might become challenging for the child later.”
Mukherjee is of the view that history repeats itself as we keep following a set of parenting norms, leading to mistakes. “It is a known fact that dad’s always want to be the best one but in doing so, don’t neglect your own self. Take a break when needed. Balance your commitments. Try and deconstruct the preconceived notions about men in different roles.”
She says men can make mistakes and relearn too.“Kids respect adults who live by the rules they preach. Don’t try to find a fix to everything. It’s easy to give kids some fake silver lining to minimise their pain and maximise your image but try to be the father who provides a safe space,helping hand and perspective shift to his kids.”
She recalls a long-standing concept of men, especially fathers, being heroes without emotions. It is often seen that boys have a terse relationship with their fathers and are seen as unapproachable heroes. Anything has to be made told via mothers. Even then, chances are some minor tussles occur. “They might be sad and low but they shouldn’t express it. Why so? Heroes too have emotions and can be vulnerable. Validate your struggles, feelings and emotions.”
Parenting advice
Mukherjee says those modern-day dads should not be limited to be the family’s ‘sole breadwinner and disciplinarian’. “He can be an equal contributor to his children’s physical and psychological well-being.”
Many Indian households see an inability of fathers to understand that their child is an individual with his or her aspirations and thought process. They wish to see their child become what he couldn’t or wished for. The oft used comparative joke ‘Sharmaji Ka Beta’ reflects this mentality. Dr Kondapuram warns men from projecting their goals on to their children. “Fathers want the best for their kids, but sometimes forget that ‘best’ means what’s best for their kids, not the dad. Dads should be like a compass who can guide them in a right direction.”
He further says, “Dads should never try to break the rules in public. Kids will do the same.”
This Father’s Day, let’s follow Charles Kettering’s advice – Every father should remember one day his son will follow his example, not his advice.
Father Talk
“Growing up in the early 60s wasn’t a very accepting time in terms of the modern and adaptive notions of parenthood seen today. Patriarchy still had a great role to play in shaping a child; if the child is a boy, the attitudes of superiority and a falsehood of being capable and leading the family someday were passed on. The trend changed when boys grew up and themselves changed their perspective. Including all members in taking decisions for the family is needed. Be aware of the new trends that envelope our children today. Be mindful of being attentive to minute details and try to keep the old notions of parenthood at the back seat while only letting your experiences clubbed with modern requirements take the front seat.” —DIG KBL Bhatnagar, TM (Retd.)
One notion is that boys don’t do household chores; our children should always excel in studies and curricular activities are a waste of time. No work is small or big. It includes household chores too. One should learn the basic survival skills. Every father should spend at least one whole day a week with their children. —Tarun Jain, sales supervisor, Delhi
