Unlock Your Intimacy: Spicing things up in the bed!

Dr Aman Rajan BhonsleUpdated: Saturday, February 05, 2022, 03:55 PM IST
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This is my first marriage and the second marriage for my husband. He had married his high school sweetheart and they were together for 10 years. Post his divorce we met and married soon thereafter. I am 35 and yet sexually inexperienced. I keep feeling that he compares me to his ex-wife in bed and finds me falling short. I feel very self-conscious during sex. What should I do?

There has to be a distinction between what you feel he may be doing & what he is doing. If you are afraid of being compared then that is a possible manifestation of your insecurities about being sexually inexperienced. If the comparison has been made by him directly making certain observations or remarks with you, then you are well within your right to express your discomfort with being subjected to such personal and flexible yardsticks of what a good sexual performance entails. The road to experience and proficiency in all areas of life is navigated through patience and practice. Understandably, you feel like you may be falling short in certain areas but let that not in any way make you feel inferior about yourself in any way. One can not hold a partner's ransom to one's paranoia and insecurities without it jeopardising the trust and respect that one must prioritise if one wants to be in a happy relationship. You must discuss this matter with your husband and if he is tuned into your needs, he may empathise and put your fears to rest.

I married my best friend of 15 years. We are both 40 and had dated many people before we decided to tie the knot. We are still great friends but the sexual chemistry is missing. It bothers me but my husband seems okay with just being companions. I am reluctant to bring it up for fear of upsetting the friendship. Please guide me.

If your husband is fine with not having sex with you, you need to understand the innate logic that may be fuelling his decision. It is extremely crucial for you to not jump to conclusions on the matter. If your husband is agreeable to the idea of undergoing a medical examination, one may be able to observe certain hormone levels and markers of libido in addition to certain bodily parameters being looked into. Such reports may potentially reveal a solid medical reason why he is not drawn to sex anymore. If the reasons are psychological, he may benefit a great deal from a visit to a sex therapist or relationship counsellor who may be able to unravel and analyse what his reservations are. You've referred to him as your “best friend” and you say you'll have known each other for a little longer than a decade. This should compel you to break the ice and shelve the awkwardness to have an honest chat with him about your sexual needs. The fact that you'll dated many different people before tying the knot could also open you'll up to a discussion on each other's sexual history and preferences. If you'll weren't best friends, a topic like this could prove contentious. However, when trust and truth are interlaced, there's great potential in the shared pursuit of problem-solving. Have faith in your friend and the friendship you'll have grown together. The veracity of the situation will be ascertained in light of the quality and tone of the discussion the two of you'll have. Whatever happens, be patient, empathetic, careful with words and open to new ideas.

(Dr Aman Rajan Bhonsle, Ph.D, is a consulting relationship counsellor and youth mentor)

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