Unlock Your Intimacy: Lesbian relationship, drunk husband, and marriage woes

Dr Aman Rajan BhonsleUpdated: Saturday, February 12, 2022, 02:55 PM IST
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My husband suspects me of being in a lesbian relationship with my best friend and wants me to end the friendship. She is my confidante, my go-to person in distress and she helps me with great advice whenever I need it. He saw her caressing me once with my head in her lap when he came home early. I do not want to let go of her. I also do not want to create a problem in my marriage. Please advise.


Ans. Suspicions must be laid to rest for a healthy relationship. It is important to clarify assertively if the relationship between you and your friend is platonic or if there is a sexual component to it. Either way, he deserves to know from you directly. As audacious as the accusation may seem to someone, awkward discussions make for interesting revelations where biases or fears may come to the surface. This conversation can be had under the care of a psychotherapist who could capably navigate the discussion on sexuality to be a respectful and transparent one. In several cultures, it is commonplace for women to be more physically affectionate with each other where it is seen as customary behaviour between close friends to hug, hold hands, caress and even on occasion peck each other on the lips or cheeks. What falls within the spectrum of acceptable behaviour differs between families, genders and cultures. The archaic belief that men must be austere and strong in order to show effective leadership sometimes makes certain men uncomfortable when they see how female friends physically behave with each other. There are many nuances to every relationship and they need to be explored and understood.

Every Saturday, my husband insists that we party till late where he binge drinks and then has sex with me. He only gets intimate when he’s drunk and I have started hating sex because of that. He doesn’t want to change his ways and throws a fit if I refuse sex when he’s drunk. I feel stuck. Please help.

Ans. You are under no obligation to entertain your husband's drunken requests to engage with you sexually. But you need to have a chat with him (when he's not inebriated) about how you feel and what you feel about his behaviour. If he truly cares for you, he will sensitise himself to your every discomfort after you've spoken to him about it. If he doesn't care about how you feel and prioritises his habits and needs, you'd be well within your right to question the state of your relationship with him and seek a resolution through a goal-setting exercise that relationship counsellors are best suited to help couples with. He may have developed a dependence, tolerance and withdrawal-based relationship with alcohol due to his consumption habits, which could be an indicator of a larger issue that is likely to affect both his physical and mental health. If what you are experiencing with him throwing a fit and being stubborn gets too much for you, you have the right to question how safe you feel in this relationship and speak to your close ones or a relationship counsellor about your emotional plight. Abuse is a reality of this world and we must learn to protect ourselves from hate, manipulation and pain in tactile and efficient ways. Under the care of a psychotherapist, a more in-depth review of the situation can be made so that you're free to act according to what makes you feel the safest and in control.

(Dr Aman Rajan Bhonsle, Ph.D, is a consulting relationship counsellor and youth mentor)

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