Unlock Your Intimacy: Fantasies about multiple sexual partners

Dr Aman Rajan BhonsleUpdated: Saturday, March 12, 2022, 08:45 PM IST
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My wife pushes me angrily when I approach her for sex. She makes me feel like a pervert for being normally sexual. I feel depressed and rejected. Please guide me.

It is necessary to examine why she chooses to push you away. Also, what does she do or say that makes you feel like a pervert? There is a huge gulf that exists between intention and perception in all human interactions. Much meaning is lost along the way! The source of her anger must be explored through relationship counselling. Is her anger directed at you or a certain situation? Is it residual anger that she has carried forward from her past into the present? Is anger a rehearsed proxy for another more deeply felt and vulnerable emotion that she is yet to come to terms with? It would seem I have asked more questions than I have answered but you may appreciate how a nuanced understanding of the problem will aid in its addressing. Sexual comfort and discomfort is a process of discovery that partners must engage in with patience, care and regard. She could be dealing with something that you are unaware of and to understand where her mind and priorities lay, you'll have to be sensitive with her. The disturbed often disturb others because they know no other way and are yet to undisturbed themselves. Normal sexuality is also a variable that can't be measured. Is there something about your sexual expectations that makes her feel compromised? Is there any other underlying frustration or anxiety that she is dealing with? More exploration and clarity is needed before quick solutions are offered.

I fantasize about having several sexual partners at the same time like some kings of yesteryear. I know it’s not possible as a lifestyle, but a relationship with one partner doesn’t excite me. I don’t know how to resolve this within myself. Help.

There are many people who secretly and openly live a life with many sexual partners. Whether it is approved or not is dependent on the prevailing social mores and cultural prescriptions of the country and society you live in. Multiple sexual partners bring with them the risk of sexually transmitted diseases. Sexual promiscuity can also sometimes lead to a life of constant highs that can help sustain you for a while but as the body ages, companionship, friendship and care feel a lot more rewarding than multiple orgasms and torrid sexual activity. The kings of the yesteryears didn't answer to constitutional laws and were able to fill harems of women to bed as conquest trophies during their many conquests and campaigns where land and resources were sacked on an ongoing basis. Women had little agency at that time since their security and health were easily threatened due to a lack of advancement in medical science and the many checkpoints and systems of civic society that exist today that try and keep people safe. Your lifestyle is whatever you want it to be and what excites you will change based on where you find yourself physically and psychologically in life. Either way, you must pay the price for all decisions you make.

(Dr Aman Rajan Bhonsle, Ph.D, is a consulting relationship counsellor and youth mentor)

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