Marriage In Troubled Waters? Expert's Advice To Solve Relationship Problems

Marriage In Troubled Waters? Expert's Advice To Solve Relationship Problems

Dr Aman Rajan BhonsleUpdated: Monday, September 11, 2023, 03:10 PM IST
Pic: Freepik

I made a raunchy remark during a picnic where friends about wanting to have sex in a public location — like a beach and my new girlfriend didn’t like this. She has stopped answering my calls and I am panicking. How do I reach her?

Your preferred locations for intimacy should remain private. Yet, it’s common for risqué discussions to come up informally among friends during events like picnics, camping trips, off-sites, or sleepovers. The relaxed atmosphere at pyjama parties can encourage playful and suggestive conversation. Nevertheless, let’s not lose sight of the main issue: your girlfriend’s discomfort with your disclosure of preferred locations for intimate moments. One must never underestimate the impact of one’s words while speaking publicly, yet there are many moments where we may inadvertently joke about something that deeply offends someone due to contradictions with their personal values and culture. The fact that your new girlfriend has stopped answering your calls suggests that she does not want to talk to you, possibly because she has already formed her opinion about how she feels regarding you and your conduct. You can either try approaching her through an intermediary known to both of you, someone she trusts and respects, or you can draft a heartfelt email to explain your stance. This empathic display or reaching out and apologising if you made her uncomfortable might help. It’s important to determine what exactly offended her—whether it was the topic of discussion, the location, the company in which the discussion occurred, or something else that triggered her. Knowing what’s upsetting her will make finding a remedy much easier.

I am bored of having sex with my husband and I am looking for excitement in other ways. When I confessed this to my sister — she WhatsApped my husband and asked him to ‘handle and control his wife’. I don’t know who to blame out here and I feel stuck. Please advise.

Take assurance in the fact that human beings seldom require ‘control’, as self-reflection and self-improvement are unique cognitive gifts of our species. It is animals that need handling and controlling. Humans need not be controlled but educated and fuelled by curiosity to harmonise with the instinct to grow, learn, and advance their interests intelligently and adeptly. In my experience in couples’ counselling, the issues often extend beyond just a lack of physical connection; there are almost always underlying emotional issues between couples struggling to enjoy a satisfying sex life. These issues warrant exploration in the safe space provided by a couple’s therapist. Your sister’s disapproval of your behaviour is evident in her message to your husband, but changing her stance or making the situation adversarial by pinning her against the wall for telling on you — may not be worth it if you want to protect your sisterly relationship. If you’ve fallen out of love with your partner, it’s worth considering the future of the relationship. If you simply want to improve your sex life, changing techniques, and sometimes altering the location and mood can be helpful for sex. Remember, infidelity carries social stigma, logistical challenges, and emotional turbulence if your spouse finds out. Is all that trouble worth it?

(Dr Aman Rajan Bhonsle, Ph.D, is a consulting relationship counsellor and youth mentor)