A rich elderly woman calls me home for sex and gives me expensive gifts and money. It’s easy money and all my material desires get fulfilled. Yet my conscience keeps pricking me and I feel restless all the time. Yesterday my mother looked me in the eye and asked me why I frequent this rich neighbour’s house, and I stuttered something and walked away. I can’t face my mother or anyone with this life I lead. The temptation is too great because I come from a low income home, and I’m not too great in my academics. I see myself working in a bank or as a sales guy with a mediocre salary 2 years from now, and never being able to afford all the luxuries I want on my own. I am unable to resolve my inner conflict. What should I do?
Ans: The lifestyle you enjoy is based off the money you get for the sexual service you provide. Do you have a problem with the service you provide? Do you think that it some way it ‘cheapens’ you or ‘subtracts’ from your value as a man? You will need to examine your value system before you have an answer to this. Are you looking to form a deep emotional bond with someone before you have sex with them? You are going to have to first figure out what you want from yourself and define that in clear terms to yourself.
To trade sex for money is what some may refer to as ‘prostitution’. There is a social stigma associated with the ‘hush-hush’ trade of selling your body for money. Some people contend with how humiliating it is to simply ‘lend their body’ for someone else’s gratification. What do you contend with? Is it possible that this inner conflict you say you feel is because you feel ‘answerable to your mother’ who may disapprove of what she may see as a ‘transgression’? Do you judge yourself as being some kind of sexual vagrant? Sex has a strong emotional connotation apart from the physical enjoyment of intimacy. While it’s important to take into account what our loved ones feel about our behaviour, we are firstly and most importantly always answerable to our conscience for where we are and what we do.
You need to also investigate the reasons for your guilt. This is important. Also, mediocrity is always a choice. Mediocrity stems from a laziness of thought and action. Ask yourself if you are being lazy or if you have in fact ever chosen the easy way out for money? Some methods at income generation are short lived while some yield greater results over a prolonged period of time. Excellence takes time, grit and repetition. Excellence is also a choice.
If you are comfortable being a sexual worker of sorts then you shall have to contend with the social stigma, danger of sexually transmitted diseases and even the emotional guilt of perhaps in some way disappointing your mother. While one could argue that a mother needs to let her child embark on his own life’s journey, you could also understand that she may see your ‘unconventional’ choices as ‘maladjusted’.
Empathise with her. Seeking acceptance within your own heart it the key to understanding what your heart truly desires. Life will present you with many opportunities. Let’s not oversimplify them as ‘good’ or ‘bad’. People usually prioritise their convenience but everything that’s convenient need not be emotionally rewarding.
Does trading your body for money feel emotionally rewarding to you? Some opportunities will add to your sense of well-being and some opportunities will subtract from your sense of well-being. Take the time to define what you would like to continue to do to make an impact on the world. Your journey is completely your responsibility.
While your family’s financial situation is not your fault, you must consider what skills you would like to invest in so that you can get paid a fair wage or make a decent living for yourself in ways that you can come to terms with.
Temptations for luxuries are an omnipresent force in our lives and there are always many ways to make money. However, if you find yourself acting in an immoral manner that compromises your self-respect or that in some way breaks the law, you may want to consider alternate streams of making money that make you feel like you still have your dignity and a desire to further develop competencies that will get you paid.
The tendency to lie comes when you feel like you have done something you need to hide. People may hide behind facades or half-truths but they cannot hide from themselves. The courage of your own convictions and efforts will show you the path. Think deeply on the questions above.
(Aman R Bhonsle is a qualified Psychosocial Analyst and a Professional Youth Mentor with specialisation in Transactional Analysis and REBT. He is available for consultation at the Heart To Heart Counselling Centre.)
