Jonathan has been going steady with Emily for the past five years. And a little birdie only recently told us that the two are even planning to move in to a live-in pad. While all things look perfectly hunky dory on the surface, the story could be inversely different from inside. For the former seems to be in the searching mode of late, looking for a potential date or a prospective romantic partner. Is there trouble already brewing in the paradise!
Switch on and off
Well, that’s the trending dating pattern in a world of flitting promises, love games, heartaches and a blink-and-you-miss real Valentine moment. Nowadays, relationships are forged in a jiffy only to be fractured in the next minute. Given that people like having a finger in every pie as a muktitasker, so keeping an eye on every possible beau or the ‘it’ belle in town as future love interests with ‘the more, the merrier’ concept in mind is just as if replicating the buy-one-get-one-free consumerist culture.
Call it a love-sick person’s syndrome or the latest dating fad, monkey-barring or branch-swinging attitude is being hotly debated across the board by life coaches, relationship experts and Gen Zeeites.
The approach could turn toxic when the person involved continues clinging to the first partner and yet at the same time, gropes for a better second option without the former’s congnisance. This prohibits him or her from letting go of their past, bury the hatchet, heal and recover both physically and emotionally from the turmoil endured, and start afresh with a new leaf in life.
There is no time lag between the two affairs and in that sense, no sense of closure to the previous one before the decision is taken to move on. The knots remain untied, matters never get resolved and the road ahead seems uncertain as well as confusing. Does a person feel suffocated by his/her singlehood status since the old proverbial saying goes: “it is so painful to be lonely in a crowded city than in a forest or on an island.” Solitude might creep in to gnaw at one’s head and he/she ends up yearning for a connection. Humans are social animals after all.
What explains such kind of behaviour that draws a metaphor from swinging on monkey bars or the primates literally swapping branches? Is hopping from one relationship to another considered cool in the luv shuv domain?
Delhi-based 26-year-old Achal Garg — a businessman in textile trade — opines that “well, this is neither cool nor uncool. It’s how you do it that defines your mental makeup and you as a person.”
“It is mankind’s natural instinct to seek bonding, proximity and attachment, and the heart doesn’t exactly follow a calendar, can it! But if you’re jumping to the next branch before you’ve released the last one — mentally, corporally or both — that’s not merely a dating style but a problematic pattern worth noticing. The analogy is spot-on though as monkeys don’t let go until they find the next firm grip,” shares the smart guy with a hint of humour.
“The question cropping up here is, are you holding on out of genuine feeling or due to sheer fear of the fall?” shoots the soon-to-be-entrepreneur who plans to float a café.
Reputed life coach Ruchi Dwivedi quips that “if you observe minutely, this currency-gaining trend is actually normalising the tendency what we would earlier call ‘two-timing’ that saw people constantly switching from one relationship to another, almost like changing clothes.”
Relationship guides honestly admit that this tactic is de rigueur for modern dating ethos. Many prefer staying tied to one post while reaching for another to get the desired support. “It usually comes from the pricking insecurity of being alone, not from strength,” comments ace relationship coach Suchetaa.
Stigma of ‘the only lonely’
The feeling of being a solitary reaper has become very intense nowadays. “With the explosive impact of social media, it appears as if everyone is happy, surrounded by friends, wallowing in love and celebrating life. And when you’re sitting alone, it can quietly make you question yourself: Am I the only one who has no one?” volunteers Suchetaa.
“At that moment, being in any relationship can offer some relief than being absolutely single. So people don’t pause, they don’t heal. They just change positions quickly to avoid the in-built hollowness,” she infers.
“But here’s a warning!” she reminds. “If you fill that vacuum with someone temporary, it hardly pays because it often delays finding something more substantial and meaningful at the finishing line of your quest. If you find it hard to go with the flow in that interim period, vent out your pent-up emotions to a helpline or any therapist who might bail you out of the crisis without losing yourself,” insists Suchetaa.
Giving the slip
Monkey-barring becomes more harmful when one tries to wriggle out of the ongoing engagement or unfairly walk out on the present marriage and select a prospective future partner without the former’s knowledge. Doesn’t this tantamount to cheating at the expense of the current spouse’s ignorance and innocence?
30-something Mumbaikar Mandavi Bhosale agrees that “this is cheating.” “See, dressing it up in trendy lexicon doesn’t soften the stinging embarrassment for the person being kept in the dark,” deduces the architect.
“One is making decisions about the duo’s life without giving the other member in the reckoning the dignity of choice. That’s dishonesty in true sense of the word, a fundamental breach of trust. The person left behind often spends years wondering what went wrong, when the truth is, the other person who aborted the relationship and abandoned him/her simply never dared to leave until they combed the market for a replacement. Cowardice packaged as practicality is still the same,” she elaborates.
Caught on the wrong match
It’s also sometimes true that people realise being trapped in a marriage or stuck on a relationship with a mismatch or wrong partnering. Inevitably, marriage goes on the rocks. Then instead of departing amicably or getting separated with out-of-court settlement, they start searching likeminded partners on dating or extramarital sites. One wonders how unethical is this approach?
“A healthier and moral approach will always begin with soul-searching — recognising what works and what doesn’t for you. Then comes an open-minded, conscious communication with your partner whether to stick around and work on the relationship or simply call it quits. That will be far more respectful. Ultimately, the issue is not about the smorgasbord of solutions available outside, it’s about the pall of gloom within,” concludes Dwivedi.
