The need for external validation is quite human. Some insecurity about others' opinions is natural. However, in many of us, it reaches completely disproportionate levels.
The need to post perfect pictures on social media is compelling—presenting an image where our lives, jobs, families, and relationships appear flawless. We need everyone who sees these to validate who we are. But that is not what we really are. The curated image is not our authentic self. The same issue manifests negatively as fear of public opinion.
"What will people say?" becomes paralysing. We're afraid to take a stand, reveal our thoughts or feelings, or do what we truly want—all because of what others might say. Both these extreme opposite stances stem from one source: our lack of self-esteem.
We don't appreciate ourselves for who we are. We don't recognise our true worth. If we had developed sufficient sense of self-esteem, these extreme standpoints wouldn't control us.
Yes, needing some validation is human. Being aware of public opinion and not wanting to be harshly judged or censured—some of that is natural. But these extreme positions exist only because of insufficient self-esteem. One of the most important tasks for a spiritual student is developing healthy self-esteem. Of course, in the name of self-esteem, some people take a rebellious stance: "I don't care what anyone thinks." That's actually an overreaction that also comes from low self-esteem. It's the opposite extreme of the same problem.
When we develop genuine, healthy self-esteem, we become free from all these extremes. We stop being controlled by either the desperate need for approval or the defiant rejection of others' opinions. We find balance—able to consider feedback without being enslaved by it, confident in our worth without being arrogant about it.
True self-esteem allows us to be authentic without constantly seeking validation and to live according to our values without needing to prove our independence through rebellion. It's the middle path that frees us from both people-pleasing and people-defying, allowing us to simply be ourselves with quiet confidence.
The writer is the founder of Aarsha Vidya Foundation. You can write to him at aarshavidyaf@gmail.com
