I recall the moment my mother discovered I owned a vibrator. Her reaction was a mix of shock, horror, disappointment, and embarrassment. While I was undoubtedly mortified, I was faced with two choices — either pretend it wasn’t mine, or own up to the fact that I was a sexually active 30-some-thing adult, with urges. The latter won out, naturally, and years later, it still makes for a great conversation starter.
A lot of people, however, have probably denied ever owning or using toys when it comes to masturbation or sex with a partner. What’s more, a lot of people, particularly women, prefer the use of euphemisms like flicking the bean, fanning the fur, finger painting and even buttering your muffin to admitting that they simply masturbate.
But this discomfort isn’t exclusive to women. There are innumerable euphemisms used for male masturbation as well. This begs the question: why are we ashamed to admit that we masturbate?
The birds and the bees
It’s no secret that sexual urges manifest when we hit puberty. However, human beings are inherently sexual, a fact that’s evident from the time of conception. “It is a myth that sexuality starts with puberty and later during adult life. We are sexual beings from the time we are conceived till the time we die,” says Pallavi Barnwal, a certified sexuality coach and founder of Get Intimacy, a platform that enables people to have a satisfied, secure, and sexy relationship.
“Research has shown that male foetuses have erections and infant baby girls have lubrication. Lubrication and erection are not always associated with arousal, but rather to reaffirm the fact that this part of the anatomy is biologically functioning,” she explains.
However, discussions around sex haven’t always been effortless. “I remember getting aroused as a 13-year-old, without fully comprehending what it meant or why it was happening to me,”says 37-year-old Roshni Mascarenes, a freelance graphic designer. “It didn’t help that I was constantly told that kissing would lead to pregnancy, or how when my cousin got her period for the first time, I was left traumatised when my aunt told me she could now get pregnant. I just didn’t understand why that would happen and remember never wants to get my period. Things started to make sense after formal sex education was given to us in school,” she adds.
Normalising natural biological functions begins at home. Given that puberty is the time when hormones are raging, and adolescents begin noticing people of the same or opposite sex, parents need to provide their children with sex-positive messages about masturbation. “If parents are inhibited, clueless or operate with a negative approach, feelings like shame, guilt, and anxiety could fester, leading to distorted, narrow, or even destructive views of sex and sexuality,” explains Barnwal.
“Parents are meant to be trusted guardians, not fear and anxiety-producing authority figures. Talking about sex at home should not be taboo. Parents must create a safe space where kids feel comfortable approaching them with queries they have around their sexuality. If parents display a negative attitude towards sex, adolescents are likely to rely on the internet for answers. Online platforms are highly unregulated and are brimming with misinformation. Sex-positive messages normalise those urges they experience, and instead of hiding or suppressing it due to fear, they gain a sense of confidence and security regarding their sexuality,” she elaborates.
Masturbation and sex positivity
Looking back at what I consider one of the most embarrassing moments of my adult life, I clearly remember, even if it was for a fleeting moment, was feeling ashamed. It made me question my actions and ushered in that ‘catholic guilt’ I was accustomed to. But, was I wrong?
Dr Sagar Mundada, Mumbai-based consultant psychiatrist, sexologist, and deaddiction specialist, says, “A religious or cultural belief system that’s been ingrained since childhood where self-stimulation is looked upon in a negative or bad/evil context, no matter your up-bringing, creates a perception among many that masturbation is not the right thing to do. It may take many years to unlearn this belief, especially if it is strongly held. However, masturbation is a very important aspect of one’s sexuality as it gives you the chance to explore your own body and helps you decide what you like and dislike.”
Naturally, when one is aware of their sexual preferences, it becomes easier for them to communicate what works for them between the sheets. “By understanding what pleases you, you are in a better position to guide your partner when engaging in sex. This results in an enhanced sexual experience. Often, when you’re unaware of what makes you tick, both you and your partner can have a reserved attitude towards genital stimulation,” says Mundada.
The first-hand knowledge of various pleasure points, particularly for women, is a definitive way to help them become more vocal and communicative when in the throes of passion. “You cannot tell your partner what you like in bed if you remain ignorant about it yourself. Your partner cannot read your mind and will need you to guide them when it comes to pleasuring you. Knowing what feels good to you makes a large difference when you are with someone relatively unfamiliar with your body,” explains Barnwal.
Guilty pleasure?
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with indulging in something fun, enjoyable, and perfectly natural. Why should masturbation be any different? Yet, most adults often feel shame and guilt when giving in to their natural urges. Why does this tend to happen? “Most of it has to do with how we have been socialised,” explains Barnwal. “Many of us grew up in a conservative household where even the term ‘sex’ is considered taboo. During the early stages of development, when children begin to show interest in their genitals, they are harshly scolded by their parents. Even if parents do not directly say that sex is bad, the hush-hush nature surrounding the topic leads children to believe that sex is shameful. These views tend to stay with them all through adolescence, and influences their attitude towards sex even in adulthood,” she says.
Dr Mundada further adds, “Society is especially harsh on women as far as masturbation is concerned. This leads to ignorance about their bodies and desires and can set a negative tone about the act itself. This can manifest in feelings of shame and guilt if they choose to self-gratify.”
Love thy self
Shoving society, guilt, shame and all the noise aside, what matters most is how you feel about masturbation. After all, it’s time you took your pleasure into your own hands, quite literally. “Sexuality is the core of you. There is no shame in wanting to be intimate with a partner or indulge in self-pleasure. Much of sex positivity is about unlearning the rigid attitude towards sex. As an adult, you have the choice to push back against it and break away from the way you were conditioned. So, explore your body, fantasise, and know that you deserve to enjoy the pleasure your body is capable of,” Barnwal signs off.
