Tea & Therapy: Long distance or wrong distance

Tea & Therapy: Long distance or wrong distance

Dr. Anjali Chhabria Updated: Saturday, December 07, 2019, 09:15 PM IST
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Mother’s dilemma

My son recently became a father to a baby girl. He has been away from home for the last eight years now and I am accustomed to the absence. He lives in Bangalore while I live in Ahmadabad. I lost my husband last year due to stroke and since then have decided to stay by myself as I have friends and relatives around here. My son has been calling me to stay with him in this crucial time, but I feel I won’t be able to stay beyond a couple of days. Does this make me selfish and not a good mother?

- Firstly, I understand that you must have gathered immense courage in a difficult time when your husband away and also when you decided to stay by yourself. Secondly, you seem to be well settled in your life that has been created with your efforts without your son having an active role to play in it. In the given situation, it is important to communicate with your son that your life does have other elements and though you are happy about this good news in his life, you would be able to fulfil the role as a mother only in certain ways. This doesn’t make you a bad mother or selfish but conveying the exact feelings you have at the moment with the idea of moving in with him is important.

Failed pregnancy

I studied fashion designing in my under graduation and worked as a designer on a freelance basis for good four years. In that time span, I gained a lot of recognition and name for myself. I liked being known for my work. But for the last two years, my health has been on a downhill due to three unsuccessful IVF cycles. I resumed work a few months ago however, I’m unable to adjust well and feel too out place. What can I do to feel better?

- I understand that the failure of three IVF cycles would be quite impactful both physically as well as emotionally. Work has been an important element in your life since you not only enjoyed it but also thrived when accolades came your way. It is surely a difficult transition from thinking about starting a family to now again attempting at re-establishing your name in work. I would say it has only been a few months since you have resumed, give it some time and patience so that you gradually feel more at ease with work. Rushing the whole process might simply put undue pressure on you.

The ‘silent’ son

Lately I have noticed my son locking himself up in his own room for hours without communicating with any of us in the family. He has been a less of a talker but this level of quietness is really bothering me. I tried probing him but he shuts me out. He’s 16 and has few really good friends and is also a good student without any vices. I suspect that a recent incident of a classmate’s sudden death in a road accident has probably affected him in some manner. I am not sure if that is the reason and so unable to broach this topic. Please help.

- Raising a teenage child is mostly laced with immense self-doubt as this is an age group wherein a lot of changes are taking place not just physically but also emotionally. Teenagers are not comfortable to share everything with their parents, be it grades or liking someone or whether there is something bothering them internally. You are doing well in terms of trying to talk to him as and when possible so that he knows you are noticing. You can put forth your doubt in order to get it cleared and also convey to him that you are concerned so that he can open up easily.

Long distance or wrong distance

My boyfriend is a financial consultant and has recently landed up in a project which requires him to be away from home for eight months at a stretch. We have been in a live-in relationship for little over a year now and things have been great between us. I fear this newfound happiness will get affected once he moves away and we start a long-distance relationship. How do we navigate through this without really dreading so much about our future?

- Your fear is quite natural as long-distance requires a different approach to sustaining a relationship. Having open and honest discussions with each other about the fears and apprehensions is one of the best approaches towards combating the dreadful feeling. Fear of losing will intensify if you are focused on everything that can go wrong. You have so far been successful at the relationship and from here on it will only require you being able to handle the distance in the way you are most comfortable. There will be times when you wouldn’t like the distance at all and certain other times when it’s not such a big deal. Communication is the key to navigate through this effectively.

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