Picture this scenario.
The member of your team has been signing in late, every day. He is unable to finish the projects assigned to him. He has been rude with clients and there is an impasse in the relationship. What would you do?
You know you have to have ‘that talk’ with this team member. However, you find yourself torturously, circumventing the issue for ‘tomorrow’ due to more ‘pressing’ matters, at hand.
70 percent of employees skirt tough conversations with their boss, colleagues and direct reports, according to a study conducted by a workplace start up, Bravely.
Avoiding the discussion not only prolongs an ongoing issue, it leads to further frustration and, often, resentment. This vicious cycle of procrastination fuels toxic situations, misaligned expectations, corrosion of the organisation’s culture and productivity. Perchance, if the conversation did not go the desired way, you are likely, to carry the shadow of the past into the next encounter.
Why do you avoid such discussions?
“It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, it is because we do not dare that they are difficult.” Seneca
There are several reasons.
-It puts you in the uncomfortable position. You may feel that talking about it, may worsen things.
-The fear of hurting people’s feeling, or being judged.
-The inability to handle any emotional outburst arising from it.
-The fear of retaliation or the consequences.
Your inner voice keeps reminding you to have that tough conversation but your fear of discomfort keeps putting it off. And, unknowingly, you allow below-par performance, toxic behaviour and other professional misdemeanours. There is no ‘nice’ way to do having these conversations because feelings will get hurt. Things will get uncomfortable. In case you are looking for a way to take action without any consequences, ask yourself, is that really, possible? Difficult conversations are never easy and, making them go away, is not the answer.
Farzana Suri |
There is a way to handle it, professionally and effectively with skill, empathy, and, more importantly, courage.
1.Conquer your fear. Do it, as soon as possible. A 24-hour rule is the best. It demonstrates the criticality of the matter. You may experience discomfort or fear. Do not negotiate for time, just do it.
2.Prepare. Do your homework. Think in advance about what you want to say and how you would like to see the entire conversation play out. Start with the desired outcome. Decide on how you would conclude the conversation, too. Clarity on the non-negotiable would help in veering the discussion towards the right direction. Set a time and place. Doing it in a more neutral environment helps in lowering the guards for both parties and in most cases, the results are fruitful.
3.State the Issue/behaviour, clearly. It is imperative to place the issue on the table and clarify what’s at stake, at the beginning. Indicate your wish to resolve it.
4.Accept responsibility. Recognise that you are part of the issue and own up to the situation with authenticity and honesty. Begin with thanks. Thank them for their willingness to engage and seek a solution.
5.Listen & keep an open mind. Look within to understand if you are getting into the discussion with any preconceived notions, personal judgments or ideas. Try to stay with the facts as you see them instead of banking on their inferences. Focus on the behaviour and the impact .Prepare and articulate it so you do not digress in the discussion. Listen to their version of the story even though you may be right. Engage ,humanely. Try paraphrasing what the person has said to check your understanding.
6.Keep your emotions in check and be mindful of theirs. There may be display of anger or frustration or tears. Check your own tone, facial expression and body language. Focus on the content not the tone and choose the right language. Use the intentional pause when your emotions run high and focus on your breath. Be empathetic and treat them with respect.
7.Use "I" rather than "you". This helps in avoiding an accusatory tone, going off tangent and making it personal. Speak truthfully, without blame or judgment. Using the ‘I’ helps you pivot the issue at hand rather than assassinate the character of the individual.
8.Be comfortable with the prolonged pauses. There may be moments of deafening silence. Do not be in desperation to fill it or rush to get the conversation over with as quickly as possible or avoid giving the other person time to come up with counter-arguments. Use the silence to clear your thoughts and give your words some rest. Allow time-outs as well. It gives them time to calm down and compose themselves, before continuing the conversation.
-Avoid combative dialogue. Make the discussion about inquiry, not a defensive conversation. Avoid finger-pointing and official rhetoric. Establish eye contact and do not interrupt. The aim is, to seek a win-win. There cannot be a winner and loser in these conversations. Attempt to find the middle ground. Invite them to respond and get input.
Asking open-ended questions is a less threatening way to conduct it e.g.
Why do you think this happened?
How would you suggest we approach this? What would you do to solve it?
What else can you do?
9.Be specific. Dig deep and offer solid and specific examples so they understand that there are no ‘assumptions’ and ‘feelings of being singled out’ involved. For eg., if your subordinate is frequently missing work, make sure you have a clear attendance policy. Be clear with your feedback and reason for the conversation. This will reduce any animosity or bias.
10.Be solution-focused and positive.Tell them what is needed to improve and share tools and resources to assist them in their improvement. Summarizing what is being said is a positive way to make the other person feel like they are being heard. It allows you to work together and be on the same page.
11.Be consistent. Approach from the space of trust. Stay with the truth in your conversations and demeanour, especially after the conversation. Maintain the same performance expectations with other team members.
12.Always end with “How can I help?”
It demonstrates support and instils a sense of trust in the other person. Difficult conversations are a part of life however, they don’t have to wreck your life. Make these conversations leaning towards support rather than punishment. Be cognisant of the fact that no matter how well prepared you are, the reaction of the other person, is beyond your control. Reflect on each conversation, later so you can learn from it and, be more confident for the next.
Remember, when you come across a sticky situation that needs dealing with, do not put it off. A conversation failure can cost your organisation millions!
Farzana Suri Victory Coach, is a successful Life Coach, Motivational Speaker and Leadership Trainer who inspires you to win in life or business. She can be reached on surifarzana@gmail.com or www.farzanasuri.com.
