I have been on both sides of the equation. Why do I call it an equation? Let’s save that one for later. For now, let me elucidate on what I mean by both sides. This is about love not the universal kind of love, not the ‘love thy neighbor’ kind of love, but the romantic kind, the intimate kind of love, and clearly the two sides are the lovers.
Though one cannot really measure love, I believe that no two people can love equally. There is always one who loves more than the other. Even if one is madly in love, there is the other who is ‘madlier’ in love. You may choose to disagree. You may choose to argue this out but I have been there, done it and got the T-shirt. And so what is the equation then?
In all aspects of life, you may notice that the more you give, the more you receive. More money, more interest. The harder you work, the more the rewards. The more you sow, the more you reap. This more for more is true for almost everything but for love. My equation is that in a relationship the one who loves less has the upper hand. Or let’s put it this way the more you love, the more vulnerable you are.
Think about this carefully and you will find a semblance of truth in the equation. The one who loves more, wants the relationship to work more, and is ready to compromise and make adjustments more than the other. There is one who walks out all the time and there is the other who keeps following. There is one who keeps hanging up on the other and the other who keeps calling back. There is one who does not find the need to apologise and the other who is ready to apologise, if it keeps the relationship going.
It is a sad truth that the ability to love more is looked upon as weakness and the cold-hearted one, who cannot love enough, seems stronger. Such is the tragedy. Yet, this equation does not come into play at the beginning of a relationship. This happens much later. After the honeymoon phase of the whirlwind romance is over. In the beginning, it is difficult to figure who wants it more and who wants it less. This happens after what I call the “The season of change.”
I have always believed that the secret of ongoing love is not the ability to be together but the ability to change together. In the beginning, no two people would come together if they did not want the same things. That is easy enough to see. Of course, they want the same things. But as time goes by, everyone changes and lovers change too.
Decoding the equation of love |
Can you keep in step with the changes in your lover? There are a few who can, there are scores that fail. In time, one changes more than the other. And the one who has more or less remained unchanged as he or she was in the start of the relationship says things that always begin with the words, “In the beginning you were so…” You can fill in the blanks with various words like loving, caring, possessive, wanting to go out, wanting to spend time together... the list is endless.
Everyone changes, ergo lovers change, ergo love fails. But this piece is not about the unfeeling unloving half. This is about the vulnerable and loving other half. The one who hurts, the one who cries, the one who begs and pleads and secretly prays to God that the relationship does not end. To that other half I want to say: Please understand the equation. And if you understand this equation please know that once the change has happened, it will not change back. It is irreversible. And you have no choice but to let it go.
I had a friend, caught up in the middle of a heartbreaking extra-marital relationship. Sadly, she was the other woman in it. She knew that he would never leave his wife and yet whenever he came to her she did not have the strength to ask him to get out of her house. She loved him too much, she could not end it.
I was mad with her for being so feeble. I gave her a talking-to one day, “Why do you let him into your life all the time?” She wiped her tears and responded, “I ache to feel the way he made me feel once. I wish for that again.” It took her a few months to realise that what was gone is gone and is not coming back. Who once made her feel special now made her feel less than ordinary.
There is nothing more deadly than a dead relationship and there is nothing sadder than looking for happiness in the dustbin of the past. When love becomes a power game then how can it be love? It is just an emotional tug-of-war. One that you are bound to lose. If you love someone, set them free and if he comes back, he was yours and so on goes the advice. The real advice is: If you love someone and he or she is not that into you, set them free and keep them away.
I have learned the hard way that no one can insult you without your permission. You give them the right and they take it and abuse it. Take that right back! The truth is that love has the power to rob you of your self-esteem. It can make you fragile and a pathetic version of yourself. That is not you, and the person who has reduced you to that cannot be deserving of your love. It is hard but take this from someone who has been there and has the battle scars to prove it; a sudden death is way better than dying slowly, one tear at a time.
