Billionaire Warren Buffett recently made news for something unrelated to business or philanthropy — his unconventional open marriage. Apparently, the billionaire investor had an open marriage with his first wife, Susan Thompson, until her death in 2004.
What’s interesting is that Thompson left Buffett to pursue a singing career, while remaining amicably married. She not only gave him permission to date other women, she even introduced
Buffett to Astrid Menks, who became his companion. This unusual trio became very close friends, to the extent of even sending out Christmas cards together! Buffett’s daughter Susie commented, “Unconventional is not a bad thing. More people should have unconventional marriages.”
Sharda, a successful advertising executive, and architect husband Amit would agree. Madly in love even after 10 years of marriage, they however harbour a secret. Whenever Sharda and Amit step out for a drink in a bar or when they are on a dating app, they look for people who would be ready to date either of them.
Their open marriage wasn’t always so. It was a decision they took after five years of marriage. Says Sharda, “We communicate with each other more openly after we opened our marriage. We discuss crushes, dates and even potential romantic partners. It feels like being married to your best friend!” Amit agrees, “We are honest about the people we get home and introduce to each other.
It is not just about sex, but also about having a deep meaningful relationship with them. It is not like we have booty calls all the time, we genuinely get involved with people romantically and emotionally. It means taking them out on dates, being involved in their lives, being there for them.” Sharda adds, “Everyone assumes that being in an open marriage means having sex all the time. We are looking for deep, meaningful relationships with like-minded people.”
Being in an open relationship is not the same as having flings and one-night stands. Prachi Vaish, a Clinical Psychologist and Psychotherapist whose area of expertise is couples and relationships, informs, “These days people have become much more experimental with the sexual aspects of their marriages.
There are many platforms where couples can meet other couples and singles for a sexual adventure and so the exposure to such situations has also risen.”
Just last month, a report revealed that a whopping eight lakh married Indian men and women had registered on an extra-marital dating app — Gleeden. The app went so far as to declare that the New Year’s resolution of thousands of Indians was to commit infidelity or flirt with the prospect of doing so.
The app’s growth rate of over 567 per cent showed the rising popularity of the extramarital dating app among individuals looking for meaningful encounters outside wedlock, the French online dating community platform said.
There’s definitely a change in how people are looking at the traditional forms of marriage and tweaking them to form their own rules. However, these relationships are not always smooth-sailing. Jealousy and possessiveness are the most common by-products of an experiment with an open relationship.
Initially, couples get attracted to the idea of freedom, and a new person, but due to evolutionary conditioning it is nearly impossible to see your committed partner with someone else. Another issue that occurs is that of boundaries.
Some people want to get into it for physical experimentation, some subconsciously look to fill an emotional void they may be missing in their relationship. But when one boundary transcends into another is hard to control and then it turns sour.
When either partner pulls out due to change in objectives, or because the partner wasn’t being truthful, it can get messy. As Advocate Adnan Shaikh says, “There is very little in law that speaks about polyamorous relationships and open relationships.” Law takes its course only when one legal personality is hurt or at a loss by some action or inaction of another legal personality.
That means the law is broken only when it is brought to the notice of an agency which exists to uphold the law. “If someone is willingly indulging into polyamorous relationships and/or is a part of an open relationship and no one from this set up complains then no law is broken.
People in polyamorous and open relationships are basically in domestic relationships of different character and thus, women in these cases can take recourse of the Prevention of Women from Domestic Violence act of 2005.”
For couples with a strong foundation built on love, trust, communication and a mutual desire to open the marriage, it can be a positive experience. People in open relationships needn’t be sex-addicts. Sometimes they can be as pro-establishment as the 89-year-old
Mr Buffett.
(Names in the story changed toprotect identity)
Understanding open relationships
Prachi Vaish shares the ground rules with couples...
1. It’s not a solution. If you are trying to “fix” your relationship/ marriage by thinking that you’ll introduce some “spice”, then you're wrong. No external trick can fix the internal cracks in a relationship. If you are having problems, even if it’s boredom, you first need to fix it within yourselves before you venture out.
2. An open relationship is not a proxy. You can’t try an open relationship because you're looking to fill a void in your own relationship. This would result in you getting attached in an unhealthy way to everyone you hook up with.
3. Know what you want. Before you get into it, do a whole lot of research. Understand the different types of open relationships.
4. Communication is the key to happiness in these relationships. It usually happens that because there are so many psychological barriers and taboos in our minds about this kind of an issue, that we try as less as possible to get into a discussion because it embarrasses us.
5. Take it slow. Let’s say you have crossed all the above stages and it’s a green light. Don’t jump into bed straight away with someone (though it can be very tempting!). Take it one step at a time. Go on a couple of dates. Have conversations with people in the same lifestyle.
