The monsoon has hit us and for the 33,748th year on record, Mumbai was caught off-guard. Which is really ironic, if you look around at how many guards we have in our buildings. It’s very easy to blame the authorities constantly. And I’d encourage you to do so even now, but truth be told, nobody knows who these authorities are.
And obviously, you are hardly going to locate them now, in the middle of the Mumbai Monsoon. So, I point all my fat fingers, at you, the complacent Mumbaikar, who is too busy watching reruns of Game of Thrones (that’s because of the constant rain that left Mumbai for London throughout this cricket World Cup), to equip yourself with the hardcore battle gear and philosophy you need to defeat this Monsoon Mafia. (Please note, there is no mafia that runs the monsoon, although there are definitely a couple of people who shift glaciers here and there and then conveniently forget to mention it).
Before I start with my handy advice, may I ask all of you to join me in silent prayer. This prayer, is for those idiots, those absolute morons, who leave home in pouring rain, with more pouring rain expected. And, mind you, with no interest in the concept of pre-production, (how we all wish India was better at pre-production, than reproduction), venture off into the unknown, the Mumbai Monsoon. And are never seen again.
First, let me apologise for not writing this piece earlier. It should have gone out in April. But in my defence, I expected a meteorologist or a civic official, or at least a state- level competitive swimmer to write this piece, about proper preparation for the monsoon. However, since the meteorologist was on leave, the civic official’s daughter was getting married and the state-level competitive swimmer was recovering from fungal infection, I had no choice but to step up to the plate. So let’s kick this off. (Bear in mind, we will only be using football references, as cricket references can cause great feelings of pain and anguish after this World Cup ending). Monsoon preparation in Mumbai must always start with mental preparation.
The great Marathi poet Robert Vijayakar explained this in his beautifully crafted poem, ‘Mala Naahi Maahiti’ (which translates roughly to ‘I Don’t Know’). Although I can’t be 100% sure. So, in that sense I don’t know if it translates to ‘I Don’t Know’). Robert spoke of how he would prepare himself for the deluge outside, by asking his mother to pour a bucket of water on him in the bathroom, while he was still in his clothes. A wise decision, as in, if he, at 36 years of age, were to not have his clothes on, while his mother gave him a bath……well, let’s just say, tongues would wag.
But, morality and baths aside, it’s a sensible simulation of the real action. One of the great fears, or bugbears out there, is the fear of what will happen to one’s clothes. This is why both swimmers and beggars have better attitude to the rains. They are dressed for the monsoon. And by dress, Robert pointed out, “In the monsoon less dress is more dress”. This wearing is very unclear, as this was the third stanza of ‘Mala Naahi Maahiti’, and by this verse, Robert was completely inebriated, which in Marathi translates to drunk like a skunk.
For office goers, the trick is simple. Experiment with your bath and your clothes. Let me stress here, that use of mother in this experiment is absolutely optional. As in, no one’s gonna point fingers at you, although it is better to check with one’s father first. In the bath, please wear clothes that when wet, still feel comfortable. Nylon shirts and non-clingy nylon shorts would be a good bet for example.
Here’s also a note for employers. The employer will set the trend if he wears lycra pants to work for instance, it would instantaneously send the right message down the line. For the monsoon, one needs flexibility, where could India be without flexibility, for God’s sake? Again, by flexibility, I don’t mean clothing. I literally mean flexibility. Walk with your knees bent at 15°degrees. Put the weight on your heels. And always walk with one leg ahead of other, with both hands in front of you like a goalkeeper taking a penalty. (I must apologise as the correct reference would be like a fielder waiting for catch at slip, but you know, after this World Cup…..).
The best visual here is that of a prepubescent chimpanzee. An adult chimpanzee is a bad example. That’s because chimpanzees of a certain age use trees for transport, and hence the question of walking around doesn’t arise.
This brings us to footwear. Honest truth? Swear by God? Mother promise? Well, then the best advice would be barefoot. But if you are too snooty for this, then rubber sandals as worn by Julius Caesar while crossing the Rubicon, and by Hemant Chatpate while searching for his rubber ball in Powai Lake, would come a close second.
Finally, there is one point in monsoon pre-preparation which is often overlooked. Eye comfort. The area which causes the most bother is the eyes. Eyes and rain just can’t be friends. So if you are the CEO of an MNC or a worker in Santosh Sagar, (also an MNC), goggles is the answer. Swimming goggles.
Follow these guidelines and your pre-monsoon preparation is complete. Just…er…..one thing to bear in mind. You wear your lycra shorts, nylon t-shirt, goggles and hoodie, but before you step out, and start your first high-powered meeting, make sure, make 100% sure, it’s not a sunny day.
-Cyrus Broacha
The writer is a comedian, TV anchor, theatre personality, satirist, podcaster and an author.
