After a long meeting of 3 to 4 minutes with the owners of this publication, it was decided that since no one is helping the society in general, this column will have to do the needful. Help is sought in many ways by the citizens of the world. Some want to get taller, some thinner, some want a spouse, some want to return a spouse, and of course, most have acne. Distracted for a minute by the world’s greatest meeting (between Donald and friend), the world is back to dealing with the real problem., which upto last week was how to defeat Liverpool in the premiership. Now it's back to the virus from hell, via Wuhan: the coronavirus. So here, with the help of scientists who never shared their credentials, I have compiled, the World’s best Guide to the Coronavirus. I suggest, dear reader, you commit all that follows to memory. And then please destroy this article, just in case (85% probability), everything contained in it is absolutely incorrect. 

Origin – Let’s start at the beginning, which is always the second best place to start, after the end. Since we don’t have an end yet, let’s start at the beginning. So answer this, where did the coronavirus originate? Or in layman’s terms, “Who is the mama, and who is the papa of the coronavirus?” The answer is stunning, and in Italian. Apparently the virus originated in Italy and was brought to China 800 odd years ago by Marco Polo. Although we can’t be sure it was Marco Polo as his name was not stamped on the back of the virus. Yet, it definitely came from his party of Italians, that went back and forth to and from China (completely subject to the availability of cheap tickets) at that time. The virus in all likelihood originated in Verona, possibly as a result of lasagne cooked wrong. Although uncooked pasta also has plenty of support.  

Features – Here’s a question no one is asking. We are all scared of the virus. We are all wary of it. Some are even paranoid. But no one is asking, “What does the virus look like?” I mean if you chanced on the virus, would you even know it's the coronavirus from Verona? Chances of contracting the virus are clearly greater than the chances of identifying it. Early pictures show it's very pale, has unruly orange strands and emits a good awful high pitched sound. On sorry that’s Ed Sheeran. But, yes the virus is similar, though probably a little smaller. Now while it's not visible to the naked eye, it is completely visible if you cover one eye with your hand. 

Symptoms – Too much information, thanks to that bucket of uselessness - the internet, is causing too much confusion. Is it a severe cough? A running nose? Headaches and a need to pee in crowded buses when people around are talking loudly? Well, it is all of this and much much more. Drowsiness, inertia, amnesia, heavy breathing, nose digging, and the need to drive your car in neutral whenever possible. The point here is it could be one of these symptoms, a few of them, or all of them. Just like humans, each virus has its own mind, its own likes and dislikes, preferences, preferred cuisines, sports they follow, colours, patterns, and preferred modes of transport, and favourite colognes and perfume sprays. 

Cures – Here is the kind of news that is always mixed. Good news with bad, or bad news with good depending on what you would like to hear first. The Chinese, Italians, Russians & Americans say there are no cures as yet. Pyong Yang of North Korea has said they had a total of 14 cases and here is the good news, they found a cure in 13 of those cases. The cure involves two pistol shots in the back of the head. So far, the treatment has been 100% successful i.e., the virus was killed all 13 times, along with the patient. Oh, and what happened to case No. 14? Well, young Kim-Joon-Pak, died on his own before the cure could be administered. 

India – Ultimately it all boils down to: what’s in it for you? In this case, where do we stand in relation to the killer. All the rumours floating around and with India bordering China (at least according to China), what’s our situation? The truth is and I'm on the side of government on this one, is that the centre has has its hands full with Donald, CAA protests, Delhi situation, and India’s debacle in New Zealand. So we’ve pushed the coronavirus to July. We just can’t afford the virus right now. It will just have to wait. Coronavirus is advised by a Central Government directive to get in line, and wait out its turn, behind Delhi riots, GDP reversals, low Sensex, falling realty and holistic diminishing returns. There is nothing that can be done, please be patient, dear Carona Virus, “Aap kataar main hain”. 

(NOTE: The writer has no scientific training. He has no empirical studies to back up the research. Quite frankly if asked to distinguish between a bunsen burner and an elderly Bengali lady, he would take over 20 minutes and even then furnish a wrong answer. And no, uptil now he has not contracted the coronavirus).

The writer is a comedian, TV anchor, theatre personality, satirist, podcaster and an author.

Source of poltiical cartoon: Web

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