By the time you read this, and by this, I don’t mean that last sentence, but this whole piece. And by whole piece, I am aiming to do more than a couple of sentences, but can’t say for sure. I mean why put undue pressure on oneself. I’ll be more specific. At the time of writing, Team India has won her first two matches rather easily. First, they beat a South African team, which had only come on a tourism venture, with no intention of winning matches and then they saw off mighty Australia in a match, in which more runs were scored than in all the matches involving all the teams in 1975.
Well done, India, or as my good friend and cricket pundit Arnab would say, “It’s Pakistan’s fault”. After a quick chat with the BCCI, (we share the same caterer), I’ve decided to write an in-depth piece, called ‘Know Your Cricketer’. I was then informed by the BCCI, through our common caterer, that all this information is available on the internet. In fact, the cricketers themselves are constantly throwing out information about themselves on the internet, a practice commonly known as ‘internet practice’.
But dear reader, you cannot be let down, you have to be honoured and cherished and so I have dug up ‘fun facts’ (all unproven), on various cricket stars, for you to peruse at your pleasure. However, since writing on all 15 cricket champions would require seven separate editions of The Free Press Journal, I have confined myself to just three cricketers. This selection was done in an unbiased and impartial manner, by asking parents’ permission. Not the cricketers’ parents, mind you, just parents I found while surfing the internet, on my routine internet practice session.
Virat Kohli – fun facts about King Kohli - apart from being the best bat in the world, he has now become the most famous beard in the world. Yes, that’s right, he can be recognised just by his beard. His beard is so popular that most of his teammates are also growing theirs. We now see beards in the Under-17, Under-14 and hair-raisingly so, even in Under-11 cricket tournaments. And I’m told off the record, so great is King Kohli’s influence, that the women’s team is also seriously considering beards in the future.
MS Dhoni – he’s the inscrutable champion. Ageless and peerless. But here’s a fun fact on MS Dhoni. He’s the fastest cricketer on land. In fact, he runs so fast, he can outrun a car. There is some dispute over this, though. Critics say this refers to peak traffic in Chennai - when anyone going for a stroll can outpace any vehicle. Whatever the truth, MS is the fastest land animal after the cheetah. Of the fun facts, there can be no doubt, whatsoever.
Last on the list, because of space constraints, and because he insisted on being featured, is Jaspreet Bumrah. Arguably the best fast bowler in the world. What very few know, is this fun fact, though. Bumrah is an excellent rapper. A true hip-hop artist. A proven fact based on the opinions of those who have heard him rap, and more importantly, based on the fact that he has seen ‘Gully Boy’ 17 times. Bumrah is awesome with the microphone, and goes by the stage name of ‘Jazzy B’. And even though he was informed of the existence of two other Jazz Bs, he’s insisted on keeping his name the same. In any case, changing Jazzy B, to Jazzy C or Jazzy D, makes no sense, whatsoever.
That’s it for this edition. Please send in your own fun facts on our champion cricketers. And we’ll be happy to print the same, without any verification. ‘Go Team Blue’.
-Cyrus broacha
The writer is a comedian, TV anchor, theatre personality,satirist, podcaster and an author.
