We are getting lots of feedback for this article. Most of the feedback is the same. It asks the same question, “Why?” Why indeed? I often wonder, “Why write this article?” Okay, that’s a lie. I only wondered on two occasions. And both those occasions my Uber was late, so I had to pass the time, reflecting. But, after a medium amount of thought, I have the reasons as to why I write this article. There’s two reasons actually. One is to look at things around us, and secondly, because if I don’t, then there’s a lady at the Free Press office who will shout at me in a rather shrill voice, and that too in public. And if you add her to my mom, wife and daughter, that is four ladies shouting at me every single day. Enough to break the spirit of any faint-hearted man like myself. 'Nuff said.
Let’s move on to today’s chapter and verse. I believe it's Chapter 14, Verse 4. The one that talks about the most dangerous denizen of Mumbai. To set this up, let me first ask a riddle. Dear Reader, what is more dangerous than a terrorist? More disgusting than a molester? And bases its philosophy and life choices on the cockroach? I guess that was too easy. Everyone has answered correctly. There can be only one answer for this malicious mauler, also known as the ‘motorcyclist’. This face of evil has gotten away with too much. The time for negotiations is over, the motorcyclist has to be stamped out. Let’s be perfectly clear here, he must be eradicated. He must be destroyed.
Let me now set this up by listing the crimes of the motorcyclist. Obviously, we will run out of paper, so I need restrict myself to just a few:
1. First and foremost, the No-Lane Philosophy. Bikers operate on what the noted scientologist Vanburn Loog called “Reverse Linear Philosophy”. Linear philosophy talks of following lines, queues, and order in general. Reverse linear philosophy talks of zigzag, complete disorder, and going from one place to another following any path, and occasionally no path, whatsoever. These morons have no need for lanes. Often on Marine Drive, in the midst of peak traffic, I find a bike in front and perpendicular to me, going happily in a sideways direction.
2. The World Record. But recently, the biking community created a world record. Let me explain. The British left behind three things for us Indians. Cricket, sandwiches and pavements. While we have preserved and cherished cricket and sandwiches, we have neglected to honour pavements. That is, until the motorcyclist community of Mumbai was born. In England, pavements are used for humans on two legs, although dogs on four legs, and humans on four legs are also encouraged. In India, humans on pavements are constantly in fear for their legs. This is because motorcyclists have taken over pavements. And they like to step on the gas, in a bid to clear the pavement, one way or another.
This brings me to the world record. It happened last Wednesday. A bike came on the pavement from one direction. Then another came from another direction. After killing and maiming the 27 pedestrians who were rightfully on the pavement, they passed each other. And while doing so, they acknowledged each other with a small head movement. Dear Reader, you must now be jumping up and down in your chair, saying, “Where’s the world record, what happened to the world record?” I would advise you to calm down while I answer this. As the two bikes of evil passed each on the pavement, a third bike jumped out of the screaming traffic on to the pavement. It split the two bikes with its sudden arrival. Then passed them by and went straight and headfirst into an office located on the other side of the pavement. Three bikes on one square foot of pavement, a new world record.
3. Destroying property. Bikes are like politicians. They need to get ahead, by hook or by crook. This leads to their always trying to outpace cars. To overtake cars, they tend to come extremely close to the car they are overtaking, and thereby, smack the side mirror. Now, it's not a question of if they will smash your side mirror, but how many times and how hard? And obviously after smashing your side mirror, there’s no time for apologies or conversation, they just disappear into traffic and get on with the business of smashing some other innocent’s side mirror.
4. Communication. Arguably, their worst crime is their communication. If a bike passes you on the pavement, road, divider, under a flyover, or wherever, he’ll communicate with you and order you to let him pass. This he does without using any actual words, found in any actual language. Instead, he cocks his head from one side to the centre of his face and back, simultaneously clucking, with his tongue hitting the top of his palate. This mode of communication was last practised by the Incas in 1743. And bear in mind, the Incas didn’t have any motorbikes. In fact, they still don’t. The biker, after making this savage sound, doesn’t wait for an answer, but simply runs you over as a matter of course, or as a favour to society.
Which brings me back to the cockroach analogy. Just like the mighty cockroach, the biker cannot be destroyed. And just like the canny cockroach, the biker uses any means to motor on. Many measures have been taken, all have failed. The biker language, (which comprises of three cluck sounds), has eliminated the phrases — one-way, road closed, no U-turn, no left turn, no right turn, no two-wheelers on bridges and pavements. Maybe it's the bike, not the biker that is to be blamed. This is because when the police get on bikes, they also occasionally break red lights, go up one-ways and leave their helmets at the station to play the role of paperweights, the original purpose for which these were intended.
Please join me dear reader, in writing to the chief minister, as well as the Prime Minister, to urge them to go in for capital punishment for bikers. And by ‘capital’, I mean make the cost of the bike at least twice the rate of a luxury car. (Basically over Rs 50 lakh). If we don’t draw a line in the sand, the bikers will kill us all.
P.S.: Oh God, I just saw a bike on the monorail!!!!!!
The writer is a comedian, TV anchor, theatre personality, satirist, podcaster and an author.
- Cyrus Broacha
