Guiding Light: How could they say that to me !?
It’s all hunky dory, you may be the best of friends, but then things suddenly take a turn for the worse. A seemingly minor disagreement creates awkwardness, and before you know it, the claws are out, abuses are hurled and you end up saying things that you never meant…sounds familiar!? Well the good news is that you’re not alone!
As we navigate life experiences, they shape our perception of life, our likes and dislikes, all feeding into the entity that we call the ego. The word ego has been tainted, but it isn’t all bad. Without an ego, we would be lost, with almost no sense of a usable identity, which is important to transact in the material world. Whilst the ego serves as a great auto-pilot, keeping us safe as we live our lives, we must remain mindful to ensure it doesn’t start overriding our innate wisdom and kindness. It is when we operate purely from this space of the ego that conflicts mainly arise.
We lead relatively secure lives, with more mental conflicts than physical, so we will focus on the former. When we hear something unpleasant, our guard goes up, and the ego is engaged, often volleying back the first responses and these are generally enough to diffuse most situations without turning into a raging conflict. However, if the attacks get personal, things can escalate quickly.
It is at this crucial stage that one of the parties, hopefully you, become mindful and see the bigger picture. Think of it like a circuit breaker, which kicks in when the voltage shoots up and disconnects the circuit before any permanent damage is caused. Operating from a space of empathy comes naturally, especially if you are a yoga or meditation practitioner, allowing you to disengage more effectively, thus preserving your relationship.
If things do get out of hand, and they end up saying things that they wouldn’t otherwise, then realise that it's probably in the heat of the moment. People say the most illogical and outlandish things when they are angry, don’t let those pointed words puncture your armour of calm and evoke a reaction. Also don’t attempt to rationalise what they said, or let it damage your self esteem.
However, if some of what they said rings true, then recognize that there may be a more systemic problem with the relationship, a lack of psychological safety perhaps, which has caused things to be bottled up and remain unsaid. It is vitally important for us to be transparent in our relationships and whilst we may overlook minor things, make sure you voice your concern when the situation occurs, rather than allowing it to build up.
Engagement is key to conflict resolution, try to have a conversation after things have cooled off. Emotional vacuums can brew the most vicious derisions and cause anger to crystallise into hate. Dialogue can ventilate minds and help you find an amicable middleground, hopefully to forge a path forward. Even if you do decide to part ways, it’s far better to do so consciously, than out of spite, for there are karmic consequences of unfinished business, but that's a discussion for another time.
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