Falling in love with your young student? All your relationship dilemmas resolved

I am falling in love with a young student of mine and I think that she deliberately dresses up in raunchy clothes to get my attention. How do I convince my family about my love for her? There is a 15-year age gap between us. I fantasise about her but don’t know about her feelings. Please help.

To have a sexually-charged interaction or romantic entanglement with someone you have veto or authority over (such as a student or reportee) may be seen (in many places) as a means of exploitation or modesty outrage. This can have dire criminal consequences for you. It can also lead to being shown the door from your place of employment — if it is ever discovered. It is wise to go through any paperwork that outlines ‘codes of conduct’ for where you are employed. Having institutional leverage over someone — makes the question of consent a highly complicated one. Does she want your attention because her academic fate lies in your hands? Does she feel a need for companionship with you? Do older men turn her on? We know so little about all this. Unless expressly told to you, it is presumptuous to assume that her wardrobe choices are aligned with a need to get you to look her way. Several young ladies commonly like to dress in ways that accentuate their looks, help bring out their personalities or heighten their sense of self-esteem. Your fantasies are meant to give you comfort but may not always reflect the absolute truth. To inform your family about what appears to be the one-sided affection, will only lead to several opinions getting sent your way — that you’ll have to deal with — if they come from important places and if they are raised by significant voices.

I can’t stop staring at the legs of every girl who passes me. My wife has noticed this and it is affecting our sex life as she is very possessive. I feel like I can’t be at peace and the anxiety is affecting me. Please help me.

Your eyeline acts as an advertisement of your intent. While it is natural for a man to be attracted to various parts of a woman’s anatomy, it is important to sometimes gauge propriety and follow certain socially appropriate behavioural protocols such as not staring at someone as that is seen as an invasion of their space. Your wife was once a woman who chose to marry you to exercise and perhaps enjoy the benefits of a highly charged, loyal and exclusive romance with you. When you lust after or look at other women, that exclusivity is challenged and she may experience fear and shame as a result of that. These are hard emotions to live with. Peace must be worked upon constantly and with consistency. Peace may also look different to both of you. Peace or joy cannot be collected like a trinket. It must be rediscovered — especially when times are hard. It is natural for men and women to feel attracted to each other but if your head turns every time you see another woman, your intentions may be questioned. Your wife may be experiencing a strong emotion and it’ll need to be addressed in a session with a relationship counsellor. Her feelings must be accounted for and understood with respect and patience if timely steps are to be taken to fix things between you’ll. Building trust is hard work and takes a lifetime. You would do well to get started on this.  

(Dr Aman Rajan Bhonsle, Ph.D, is a consulting relationship counsellor and youth mentor)