My ex-husband recently got engaged to his girlfriend. Though I had initiated the separation asking him to choose between me or his girlfriend, and he chose to end the marriage, yet I am extremely disturbed with his moving on. My kids are also okay with their father’s new wife-to-be. I feel so alone and cheated out of a life that I had envisioned with my family, and everyone seems to have moved on except me. People tell me to go on a dating app, but that’s just not me. I hate the thought of starting out again, and maybe I don’t want anything other than my dream of growing old with my ex-husband with my children and grandchildren around me. I just can’t believe I am alone after investing so much in my marriage and family. I sometimes wonder whether I should have ignored the presence of his girlfriend and not have asked him to choose. I am so confused and lonely. Please help.
Ans: The married life you had envisioned for yourself was the ‘perfect version’ of events – which you’d have liked. Yet, this is at odds with what you are experiencing. Someone who dreams of a home from where snow-capped mountains are visible may be living in a humid tropical country near the equator. A realistic assessment could be useful at this stage. What we want is often not what we get. Our life does not need to always follow our desires even when our intent feels certain and pure. Like a movie clip on YouTube, our human minds can conjure up a storm to make us believe whatever it is we want to believe.
Our attitudes dictate our actions and our reality. Rude awakenings await those who spend time in this fictional realm where they always get what they want. The real-world cares very little for what we want. It is an agnostic, antagonistic and opportunistic place. So many people are bewildered and agitated by this. “How could I be so lacking in importance?” – They may wonder. When people realise that they are the sole-architects of their destiny and that it is their job and constant errand to keep their minds and bodies happy, it’s often too philosophical a concept for them to grip.
While you may have felt like you were the directing several events in your marriage, the presence of the ‘other woman’ predisposed your relationship to a degree of unpredictability that you were unprepared for. What we do or do not do to contribute to our unique problems is a question worthy of some introspection – when clarity is sought.
Our minds repeat-play desirable events that may not have taken place in the real world. We think about it. We dream about it. We regurgitate ideas till it begins to feel real. Some people may even start experiencing psycho-somatic sensations associated with certain imaginary events (even if the events haven’t taken place).
Therefore, don’t let your mind take control of your emotional processes at this point. It’s time to get practical. There are multiple versions of ourselves known as ‘facets’ that we may expose the world to. There is a version of you whose been left by her husband and whose kids seem to have ‘moved on’ as well.
Perhaps there’s a part of you that will be able to successfully answer the question – ‘Why did your husband leave or find the need to find love elsewhere despite being married’ or ‘how your kids did manage to move on so quickly and well?’ This is a worthwhile line of inquiry. Steer clear of the blame game. The giving and receiving of blame is often turned into a simplistic, pseudo-intellectual and even mean-spirited process. Life is seldom straightforward and transparent.
There was a loss of interest – In your ex-husband’s part and that needs to be mulled over. Moving on is a focussed effort that requires changing certain long held notions about fairness and relationships. You are not alone today due to a witches’ curse and neither have you been singled out by fate or some man in the sky!
When people lose interest in relationships, it’s often due to a combination of many factors. You are going to have to deep-dive internally to ask yourself what these factors are. If there are certain shortcomings you identify in yourself, you must work on them to grow and if none of this is your fault, you must find the courage to remind yourself that your husband probably had needs that he was unable to get fulfilled in his relationship with you. Invest in your mind, body and passions and time will heal the rest.
