Q: My boyfriend insists on having sex every time we meet in a private place. I don’t like it that he takes sex with me for granted. I give in because I feel I’m supposed to, but I get upset later and then become aloof and that creates issues between us. I would have preferred to wait to have relaxed intercourse only after marriage instead of these quickies he insists on. How do I explain this to him without upsetting him?
You are definitely likely to upset him if you abstain from having sex with him after having given in – in the past. He will not be able to understand what the ‘sudden problem is’. All relationships are tested through situations where either one of the partners gets upset. Your desire to not want to upset him will prevent you from tackling the issue directly.
Everyone can’t be kept perpetually happy. This is impractical. It is natural and commonplace for people in a committed relationship to want to have sex with each other and to be comfortable with each other’s bodies over the course of their relationship. The frequency of a sexual encounter needs to be negotiated with a partner and this is a question of private and mutual comfort and desire.
However, there’s also the fact that you believe that he takes sex for granted. Just to clarify, wanting to have sex frequently does not amount to it being taken for granted. That’s like saying that just because one likes to eat more rice with some curry, one is taking the supply of rice for granted. These are two separate things. Wanting more of something does not equate with taking it for granted.
You clearly do not want to have ‘quickies’ with him, while it is important for him to have his sexual needs met ‘pre-marriage’. This could be a fundamental point of diversion between you both and there is no ‘right side’ or ‘wrong side’ in the matter.
A lot of relationships suffer on account of poor tone setting in the beginning. Tone setting entails ‘what is ok and what is not ok’. You are not ok with premarital sex and he wants it both frequently and in the premarital context. You may want to express your concerns to him first. If the situation becomes untenable, you may want to visit a pre-marriage counsellor to help with understanding a solid win-win solution, so both of you can find a way to strike a balance between what you all are willing to consent to vis-a-vis your sexual relationship.
(Aman R Bhonsle is a qualified Psychosocial Analyst and a Professional Youth Mentor with specialisation in Transactional Analysis and REBT. He is available for consultation at the Heart To Heart Counselling Centre.)