“You have to forgive yourself!”
When actor-poet Palak Shukla was diagnosed with a brain tumour – stage-three glioma –in 2014, she felt shaken to the core. “Being diagnosed with malignant cancer is traumatic,” she says. “I was told that it was not curable, inoperable, and I wouldn’t be able to live beyond two years.” Like many in her situation, Palak turned to alternative therapies such as yoga, meditation, reiki and also started looking inwards.
Palak Shukla |
“I realised that while many things played a role in making that tumour grow inside me, it was significantly stress-related. We don’t know the emotional hurt we carry through our childhood, teenage years, and adult life. In my case, it was continuous hurt, both intentional and unintentional, from many different people, over many years. I’ve faced ups and downs from the young age of 13. I was naïve, an Alice in Wonderland! I let all those emotions simmer within me...and the repercussion was that it burst out in the form of a tumour.”
Palak achieved a breakthrough in her treatment when she zeroed in on “forgiveness”. “It played a very important role in my healing,” she says.
She elaborates, “You have to forgive yourself! I forgave myself, and it immensely helped my mental and physical healing. When you start forgiving, you start to let go, accept...and this psychological healing is mirrored by your physical being. Your emotional, mental and physical states are all connected. It is very important to keep healing yourself from within, if you want outer well-being.”
“Each time you think of the wrong somebody did to you, you are poisoning your body”
Former pop star Anaida shares the belief that forgiveness fosters a healthy emotional state which is crucial for a healthy body. Now a certified yoga teacher, pranic healer and a healing coach, Anaida explains, “Whenever you feel an emotion, your body creates certain hormones and chemicals which then decide how your body runs. When you think of someone who did you wrong long ago, your body produces the same chemicals that it did when the incident occurred. So, each time you think of it, you are poisoning your body. Getting rid of this baggage will positively affect your health.”
Anaida |
“I have forgiven a few terrible experiences though I have not forgotten what they have done”
Film producer Pravesh Sippy has learnt to square up against a daunting diagnosis by making mental space for forgiveness. “I have polymyositis, an autoimmune ailment that has no cure, just medical management to physically survive it,” he reveals. “I have learnt to accept the illness with a smile... you are allowed to breakdown and cry once in a while. But I refuse to get depressed and give up.”
Pravesh Sippy |
Sippy says that forgiving others’ trespasses came fairly quickly to him. “I have forgiven a few terrible experiences and people. No, I have not forgotten what they have done and am not friends with them anymore. But I’m at peace. Healing happens with forgiveness as you let go of bad energy.”
“Not forgiving someone is like hoarding a sack of coal inside you”
Dr Santesh Kaushik, a renowned cardio thoracic surgeon, says, “A major disease of the modern world is depression. Depression is often the inability to let go of the past. Not forgiving someone is like hoarding a sack of coal inside you – you remember an incident and for years together you keep hurting.”
The doctor points out that forgiveness is eulogised as a virtue in many religions, including Christianity and Judaism. “And it is institutionalised in Jainism,” he says, “in which you say Micchami dukkadam once a year and ask for forgiveness.”
The man of science argues the case for forgiveness saying, “It’s not only a religious belief; it has a scientific basis. Forgiveness and gratitude are documented psychiatric principles to prevent depression. Anger and stress cause the release of hormones which are diabetogenic. Hypertension too is directly linked to stress exhaustion syndrome. The mind-and-body connection is extremely strong.”
“Holding on to grudges breeds anger and bitterness which gradually seep into every relationship and new experience”
Shalet Fernandes, clinical psychologist and therapist at Mumbai's Hiranandani Hospital, says, “Studies have found that the act of forgiveness can improve immunity and gut health, lower the risk of cardiovascular disease, improve sleep, reduce pain, blood pressure, stress, anxiety, depression and so many related psychosomatic conditions. On the other hand, holding on to grudges breeds anger and bitterness which gradually seep into every relationship and new experience. The stress can lead to physical ailments and a compromised sense of well-being.”
Shalet Fernandes |
For most people, however, forgetting and forgiving is a difficult process, and Dr Fernandes admits that it takes patience. “I don’t think forgetting happens. The decision to forgive comes with emotional and spiritual growth and each one takes their own path and time.”
Enumerating the various methods one can adopt to reach a state of forgiveness, she says, “You can choose to talk in a therapeutic setting or to a person who cares. There are other techniques like VKD (Visual-Kinesthetic Dissociation), age regression, hypnosis, angel therapy, writing a letter, empty chairs from gestalt, visualisation and so on.”
Fortunately, it is not strictly necessary to meet your perceived oppressor to forgive and move on. Sometimes, the other person is not available to resolve the conflict. Dr Fernandes concludes by reminding us, “Forgiveness and closure comes from our own actions, not by what someone else does or says.”
