Unlock Your Intimacy: Spicing things up in the bedroom

Dr. Aman Rajan BhonsleUpdated: Saturday, June 18, 2022, 08:12 PM IST
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My husband discusses details of our sex life with his aunt over the phone. He then conveys her thoughts on what I should be doing better in bed. This makes me uncomfortable. I don’t feel like being intimate anymore. What to do?

It is worth investigating if your husband requires guidance and advice through a series of life tasks and decisions. It is important to understand if ‘advice seeking’ is a part of his psycho-socio-cultural identity or is it simply a habit. Some people live their entire lives by seeking ‘master-student’ paradigms to fit into so that their identity as ‘the learner who knows nothing of the path he is on’ isn’t disrupted. Such people are also mostly meek, docile, indecisive and unsure of themselves. If any of the above is true, your husband may require to see a psychotherapist. If his aunt has a medical degree of some kind, there is no issue in him consulting her. If the advice given by his aunt is largely casual and involves him conceding details of your sexual behaviour to her — then you are understandably upset as you are trying to create a certain impression / impact on people you may cross paths with. Either way, speak to him about the boundaries you’d like to set about how much sharing is too much sharing when it comes to your sex life. Understandably, for comfort to ensue, what happens in the bedroom must stay private and shared between two individuals. Public scrutiny of it would feel justifiably uncomfortable, strange and unwelcome.

The last man I dated was a bold, fearless and strong businessman. My husband is constantly ill-treated by the women in his family. He looks scared most of the time. It makes me want to also treat him the same. Our sex life is non-existent at this point. What should we do to make things better? 

Do you miss being with the man you describe in your question? If yes, then why did you choose to marry someone whom you perceive as insipid, bullied and emasculated. Why did it not work out with the previous guy? Understandably, certain familial dynamics become clearer after marriage. However, picking a page off the playbook of family members who mistreat your husband and metaphorically show up with pick-axes could potentially reek of moral turpitude and gender bias. Every human being is both a victim and a survivor of unique circumstances. We decide what we do and what we make do. Why does your husband accept being poorly treated in his home? Does he lack self-respect or leverage? Has he been culturally conditioned to simply turn the other cheek and accept abuse in the name of ‘family'? These questions require answering. Your husband is male by gender and not by choice. To imprison him within a certain image of what a man should behave like is unrealistic and cliché. Why do you wish to strike him? Is it his punishment for deviating from the brief? Why are friction and fiction running a relationship and not consideration, camaraderie and care? You may both need psychotherapeutic help. A healthy sex life benefits from the emotional bond between a couple. Where there is abuse and neglect, there is pain and that anguish will hurt the relationship.

(Dr Aman Rajan Bhonsle, Ph.D, is a consulting relationship counsellor and youth mentor)

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