Unlock Your Intimacy: Sexual frustration and lack of attraction

Dr Aman Rajan BhonsleUpdated: Saturday, March 19, 2022, 03:50 PM IST
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My wife has put on weight and shows no inclination to get fit. This is affecting our sex life as I don’t fancy making love to someone who chooses not to put in the effort to increase the attraction quotient. She complains that she is sexually unfulfilled, without insight into her role in our poor sex life. I am frustrated and angry. What should I do?

Every marriage faces a series of pulls and pushes due to the general stubbornness, stupidity, shortsightedness, or miscellaneous pressures that it goes through as two individuals dedicate a life to understanding and underscoring each other's plans and needs. You have a plan. The plan is to motivate her to lose weight. She has a plan. The plan is to continue looking a certain way that you deem as her being overweight. When two plans are in direct contradiction, a negotiation must ensue. A fair and polite expression of one's needs must follow as a part of this discussion without it feeling like a finger-pointing exercise. It is natural for two people to make love, a mutual attraction is necessary, or else it may feel forced, awkward and unpleasant. You must be honest with her that sexual fulfillment is a two-way street and not something one person provides to another like it's simply a service. It is possible that you are not able to get through to her or she may be offended by the way you communicate this situation to her. She may do well to perhaps have a female caregiver, like a confidante or counselor, talk about this with her as some mediation may help her see what she's missing out on and her role to play in this uncomfortable situation. You must ensure that your frustration and anger are not directed at her as any punitiveness may make her dig her heels further.

I am a 32-year-old obese woman. I feel sexually frustrated and recently joined a dating app. My friends are all married or in a serious relationship. I desire a romantic partner too. Hardly anyone swipes right for me, and those who do, are unattractive men who have sex once and never show up again. I feel depressed and unworthy of relationships. Help.

Standards of attractiveness in a woman vary but are also agreed upon in several situations. Many men are known to be strongly driven by visuals. A certain skin colour, slenderness or voluptuousness, an elevated sense of style, grooming—all fortify this 'set notion' of a certain aesthetic driving a narrative. A dating app is an auditioning tool. The sex you have experienced is a part of this auditioning process of assessing who fits in well into what may be an unwelcome or unpredictable plan. All selection processes potentially feel brutal, infuriating and unfair to the person who doesn't make the cut. What is defined as "good enough" depends on who is judging and if they want to engage. Everyone has the freedom to make choices and explore life. If you feel that your weight is impeding your chances of success, it may be because certain standards of beauty are at odds with the way you perhaps appear. All standards in life are yours to embrace or reject depending on what you value. Good health and happiness must be the chief priority regardless of the circumstances.

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