Unlock Your Intimacy: Married woman hitting on young neighbour

Dr Aman Rajan BhonsleUpdated: Saturday, June 04, 2022, 11:01 PM IST
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My boyfriend and I have been dating for six years and we’ve done practically everything. It feels monotonous. My boyfriend is still into me but I’m not. His mother and he keep asking me to introduce him to my folks but I don’t want to. I feel I’ve moved on and don’t want to hurt him. I stay in his house as I work in the same area. His mother recently said I’m using her son for my career growth. I feel terrible. Help.

The challenge of overstaying one’s welcome is common. The monotony you speak of could be about several areas of your relationship — social, familial, sexual and thus the person you’re with may have stopped enamouring you. To move on from a relationship simply means that you are either not the same person who got into the relationship or that your expectations from your partner have changed with time. This is commonly seen in many couples regardless of how old they are or how long they’ve been together. By not introducing your boyfriend to your family, there is an unfortunate barrier that may get created between him and them that will be hard to tear down over time. Then again, it is your absolute right to choose whom you allow near your family. If you have moved on, you need to communicate this to him so that he doesn’t feel disappointment and humiliation due to your change of heart. Proximity to your workplace may be a logistical concern but if you continue down this road, there is a strong likelihood that bitterness and finger-pointing may be coming your way. Ultimately, it is up to you if you wish to soften the blow or drag out the inevitable. He is likely to be hurt by your exit but time heals everything.

A married lady in my building has been hitting on me. She keeps coming to my home with food as I’m a bachelor. She once came over and watched a Netflix show. She held my hand and I didn’t know what to do. The truth is that her cooking makes my life easy, but I know I can’t have my cake and eat it too. How do I navigate this?

Life is lived through a series of shared alliances, agreements, barters and transactions. The woman’s presence in your home could be a bid for companionship with the possibility of a sexual undertone to it. Several married people find their marriages unstimulating and look to have certain rather specific needs addressed in efficient ways. The trade, in your case, is her access to you in exchange for a meal. If you are comfortable with this trade, you have yourself to answer to and if there is discomfort, you’ll have to introspect why you may be seeing this as problematic or immoral. Her holding your hand may be indicative of the physical needs that adults have. Your easy life may lead to difficult circumstances if other stakeholders, such as her husband or the neighbours, get wind of these encounters between you two. It may also become a neighbourhood scandal if fingers are pointed at you for making a move on a married woman. Your woes may compound in a post #MeToo world. The gender war is a war that has no winners but it has many casualties.

(Dr Aman Rajan Bhonsle, Ph.D, is a consulting relationship counsellor and youth mentor)

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