Unlock Your Intimacy: In love with sister's boyfriend

Dr Aman Rajan BhonsleUpdated:Sunday, May 08, 2022, 12:01 AM IST
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I had one relationship that lasted for eight years and I broke up as he cheated on me. I have fallen in love again after four years of being single. We’ve been dating for eight months and he’s really nice to me so far, but I keep worrying about him cheating on me. How do I deal with this?

Ans. A person's life choices may or may not align with our values. That is why it is essential to judge every situation and person with a fresh pair of eyes so that the metrics of what is comfortable or uncomfortable may be calibrated without bias. To be cheated on is decidedly disconcerting. I can understand that you have reservations based on being emotionally burned in the past. However, you must understand that your potential partner's proclivity for cheating needs to be assessed dynamically based on a variety of factors. A private assessment of how real and comfortable the relationship feels will need to ensue. Most people who cheat do so secretively and with great attention paid to any breadcrumbs they leave behind that may implicate them. This is why it is crucial to maintain an eye on the overall emotional health of both the individuals involved in the relationship. Sometimes, this may enlist the support of a psychotherapist who is able to look at a problem without prejudice and with a certain rehearsed academic curiosity. Currently, you don't have a real problem to deal with as the likelihood of him cheating or not still needs to be assessed. As far as the healing from the previous relationship goes, you need to give yourself time to understand what were the signs that you may have potentially ignored that could have given you an inkling that there was something amiss.

I am extremely attracted to my twin sister’s boyfriend and I am unable to get rid of this feeling. Since he’s always around for my sister, I can’t even avoid him. Should I speak to him about my feelings? Maybe he’s interested. Should I tell my sister? What should I do?

Ans. There's a heavy price to be paid when certain information becomes public knowledge. Telling your sister or her boyfriend about your attraction may incur their wrath and discomfort. A relationship is built when two consenting individuals work on it and tend to it with the utmost care, patience, love, trust, honesty, respect and sensitivity. You will have to prepare yourself to give some answers should you let this vicissitude of romance become a one-sided pursuit bordering on limerence. Everything attractive cannot be attained and if it is attained, the cost attached to attaining it may be both unpleasant, unbearable, or unpredictable. Your sister may see this as an act of betrayal or worse, an act of narcissism. This may change the dynamic between you two. Your assumption that he is interested needs to be based on facts rather than wishful thinking. Any revelations hinting at the same can potentially be cataclysmic and abrasive to the sisterly bond. Whatever you do, make sure that you understand that it is a right rope walk.

(Dr Aman Rajan Bhonsle, Ph.D, is a consulting relationship counsellor and youth mentor)

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