Unlock Your Intimacy: From extramarital affair to coping with wife's allegations of being a sex addict...

All your queries answered related to intimacy, sex and relationship

Dr Aman Rajan BhonsleUpdated: Saturday, January 29, 2022, 01:19 PM IST
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I am cheating on my husband with his best friend. I am also friends with this friend’s wife. I feel guilty for living this lie but just can’t let go of my extramarital relationship. No one knows of it as we are careful and I sometimes think it’s okay to live this way till it lasts. I am confused and conflicted. What should I do?

Ans. Anything that stays hidden or masked for this long, runs the risk of exposure even if the slightest mistake is made. This may make the people who were subjected to the lie feel like they were made a fool of or that their trust was exploited. It can lead to nasty socio-legal implications if those affected are irresolute in their resolve to punish you. You are aware of why you have chosen to cheat on your husband. You may reflect on the possible aftermath of any revelation of the affair and how it will affect your relationships with everyone involved. The choice to carry on or desist — lies before you. Your husband may be heartbroken and distraught if he finds out and you may consider what your options are to clean up the mess, if and when that happens. He may see you as disingenuous and selfish. Are you okay being perceived that way? There are no push-button solutions to dealing with people. We must be firm on what values define us and the integrity with which we walk certain paths. The path you have chosen is one of convenience and self-catering where a stress-inducing game of smoke and mirrors could potentially hurt your reputation and life.

I am 58. My children married last year and my wife says she wants to end the marriage. This is so sudden. I am shocked and distressed. She says she was waiting for the kids to grow up and marry before walking out. She calls me a sexual addict. In my view, we had a good marriage, had great sex, raised two lovely children and travelled a lot together. I can’t imagine life without her. What should I do?

Ans. While it is understandable for you to not want to live a life without her, you could invite her to a session with a couple's counsellor so that some room for negotiation and troubleshooting is made. Does your wife hesitate to come and speak her mind to you? Does this hesitation (if any) have more to do with her experience of you or of men in general? If she is hesitating to speak to you, could it have something to do with her innate personality or tendency to be conflict-averse? It is likely that in answering these questions during therapy, you may understand what caused her sudden desire to exit the marriage. If you have been dubbed a “sexual addict”, does that label come with any evidence to support it? This needs to be found out. There is a likelihood that having sexual encounters with you made her uncomfortable in some way. Perhaps she kept it to herself long enough before she reached a breaking point. Invest the time and effort in trying to get to the source of her worries rather than only focussing on what her worries are now threatening to destabilise. A relationship is shared and cared for by two individuals who may not necessarily see eye to eye on many aspects of life. Marriage counselling will help get some tricky questions answered.

(Dr Aman Rajan Bhonsle, Ph.D, is a consulting relationship counsellor and youth mentor)

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