If we are honest with ourselves, we will find that most of us have to admit that, at times, we can be reactive emotionally or that we use detachment as a defence against pain and conflict. The problem is with extreme or frequent episodes of these out of control emotions or of being detached at times when you need to be emotionally involved and responsive.
Of course, learning to better manage your feelings and reactions to people and situations begins with identifying your problem. Consider how you handle your emotions. Do you react in emotional extremes? Are you prone to lose your temper or to become overwhelmed with sudden floods of tears or panic?
Or, are you on the other extreme? Do you detach from people and situations because you are uncomfortable with pain or conflict?
To better assess if you have a reactivity problem, take my self-test: Do You Overreact Emotionally?
H-A-L-T Before You Respond!
The first key step in this process is halting. Back away from an escalating conflict. Hold your tongue when you are about to lash out. Don’t answer an emotionally loaded question on the spot. Wait to make an important decision. Don’t say or do anything until you take time to process your feelings. Practise setting a boundary by saying, “I’ll get back to you on that.” Or, “Let me think about it first.”
This is especially important when you are under stress. If you think about it, it’s when you have been over-stressed that you are particularly vulnerable to a lapse of self-control and saying something hurtful or making a decision you regret or misusing alcohol, food, or something else.
So be prepared to H-A-L-T and to not say or do anything for awhile if you are: hungry, angry, lonely (or hurt), or tired (or under time pressure).
Halt and eat the meal you skipped, calm down if you are angry, don’t isolate if you are lonely or hurt, and take a break if you have been overworking. Obviously, if you are in two or more of those conditions at the same time then you are in an even more dangerous place and really need to halt!
When you halt, you need to ‘contain’ your feelings that are coming up. Keep your feelings inside so that you don’t escalate a conflict, rush an important decision, or say or do something that you will regret later. – Dr Bill Gaultiere (Executive Director of New Hope)
