I am in a very high government position and come in touch with a lot of intelligent women as part of my work, some of whom I work with very closely. My wife who is not very educated is getting insecure because of this, and has been repeatedly asking me to not work with women. This is impractical. She is implying that I might be cheating on her when that has not crossed my mind even once. Please advise.
A3. I appreciate that It is impractical for you to filter out your colleagues based on their gender. A man woman relationship need not always be sexual. This is also true. However, the manner in which you have attempted to address her concerns so far may be playing a role in how she sees ‘you’ vis a vis your presence around other women. Have you tried speaking to her about the situation – in all honesty? Communication paves the way to negotiation & all healthy relationships thrive on negotiation since no 2 human beings can ‘think alike’.
In all relationships, partners look for trust, compassion, sensitivity & respect. Does your wife feel nurtured in your relationship or are you too busy to pay attention to her? Does she feel needed & celebrated in the relationship that she shares with you?
Is she being paranoid about you or are you being selective in how ‘available’ you are for her?
There are no ways for me to know this just yet.
Additionally, since you mention that your wife is ‘not very educated’, I would like to suggest that – an education through the school, college or university system is not the only true test or marker of intelligence. It’s a mostly reliable benchmark of how much information we can learn & hold on to but intelligence is a very broad construct. There are several types of intelligence in the world – such as – Musical Intelligence, Spatial Intelligence, Natural Intelligence, Intra-Personal Intelligence, Linguistic Intelligence, Body-Kinesthetic Intelligence, Interpersonal Intelligence, Existential Intelligence, Mathematical or Logical Intelligence. Intelligence or Education has nothing to do with this unless that is something that she ‘specifically’ brought up in conversation with you while outlining her thoughts.
It is also quite possible that your wife may have certain unaddressed needs or concerns apart from these too. Perhaps spending more time with her in addition to work commitments will help her open up to you about her fears so that you can realistically assess if there is any basis to her fears or if there are any patterns to what may very well be ‘paranoid behaviour or neurotic thinking’. Nothing is conclusive so far except for that fact that your wife is currently feeling ‘insecure in the relationship that she shares with you’. Most people feel insecure in all relationships at some point.
As human beings – we tend to engage in benchmarking exercises that ‘aim’ to ‘settle the matter of who’s doing more or better’ in a shared relationship. These comparisons are an inevitable way to exercise options & try to ‘better one’s performance’ – an innate aspect of our survival instinct that aims to help us prosper & thrive.
Is it possible that your wife is the kind of person who is afraid of what she does not fully understand? Could there be a strong underlying reason for her fears of you straying away from her? Is your wife afraid of any other things? Does she act possessive only when you’re around other women or is she generally someone who doesn’t like to share you with other people? Does your wife feel like she hasn’t ‘met your expectations’ in some manner? Have you ever said or done something that may have made your wife feel like ‘she’s not matching up to your expectations’?
The answers to these questions may better reveal to you why she thinks in a certain way about the ‘workspace’ that you share with other women. It may also be worthwhile to explore her general attitude towards women or more specifically ‘the type of women’ that she knows you work with. Do these perceptions harken back to a time in her childhood? What is the relationship she shares with the significant women in her life & family?
I know I have asked more questions than answered but that is also because certain facets of the situation such as – where does her fear / insecurity stem from are unknown to me. Perhaps you could encourage her to open up to a female friend or confidante from her family or to visit a trained psychotherapist so that the source of her fears or exact concerns can better be understood.
This will also show her that you’re keen on remedying any gaps in communication that could heal the relationship that you’ll share. An impartial viewpoint (in therapy) might help her to come to terms with the various aspects of the expectations that she has – from you as her husband, from men in general, from women in general, from her life, from the marriage you’ll share & from herself. Once these expectations are better understood, troubleshooting based on further investigations can commence immediately.
(Dr Aman R Bhonsle is a qualified Psychosocial Analyst and a Professional Youth Mentor with specialisation in Transactional Analysis and REBT. He is available for consultation at the Heart To Heart Counselling Centre.)
