My parents are at loggerheads since time immemorial. I am embarrassed to say that my father was caught red handed sleeping with the maid and my mother has brought this up innumerable times since I was a kid till recently when I am now a married woman myself. My father has recently started complaining of my mother having a soft corner for their chauffeur and inviting him in their bedroom in my father’s absence from home. I asked them to seek marriage counselling or then get separated. I am deeply affected by this humiliating lineage and the ugliness between my parents. I don’t know how to handle them and my own emotions. Please advise.
Ans: Your parents have clearly made certain decisions for their lives that don’t concern you directly. However, as their child – you understandably feel responsible for their general well-being. In suggesting that their either reconcile their differences through counselling or part ways, you did the right thing. There is little else that you can do at this point besides re-iterating what you have already suggested.
However, well-intentioned you may be, the general truth of the matter is that ‘every human being must live a life filled with choices that must be made and then must live through the outcomes of those choices’. This is not a moral or philosophical concept but it’s merely an understanding of causality in the most general factual sense of the concept of ‘input vs output’. We reap what we sow or we find what we seek. Eventually, all pursuits must end.
All human beings have stories of their unique upbringing that may have shaped the vision they have for their lives and their needs. In their agenda setting for the relationship they share as a couple, it is quite possible that your parents may have felt ‘challenged’ with or ‘disheartened’ with each other. This has nothing to do with you.
It is important for you to appreciate that parenthood is a role that your parents had to step into the moment you were born. It’s a role that they chose when they went through the rigour and fervour of the journey from pregnancy to child-birth together. You did not choose to be born to them. A slightly detached viewpoint may even settle at describing the act of sex a pleasure inducing culmination of scientific and biological happen stances lining up to facilitate the birth and perpetuation of the species.
Yet, there are all these emotions and often we are left wondering what to do with them. Before your mother and father were your parents, they were just a boy and a girl. We are individuals first. After that, we are perhaps an extension of the roles that we take on. These are not to be confused with each other. Every human being is prone to habits and personal themes that fuel the narrative of their lives.
It may be difficult for you to separate your parents (as individuals) from their decisions and behaviours (a result of the choices they are making). You are uncomfortable with some of the choices they have made. You may communicate this to them without expecting them to magically re-align their life’s decision making processes or choice taking endeavours to meet your ethical framework or moral standards. People don’t change because we want them to. They only change when there is something they stand to gain from changing. You must learn to find your peace regardless of what your parents decide for each other. They did not seek your permission or approval when they got married to each other and they certainly do not require your consent in what is most definitely a result of the direct equation they share with each other as a man and as a woman.
Your parents are sexual beings and the sexual relationship they share is strictly their business and their responsibility. This may seem easier said than done but you need to gracefully accept that their private lives as adults are their business and that your general counsel or intervention in the matter is unlikely to help in any manner. You mother’s venting her feelings may be a conduit for her repressed emotions but you are in not way obligated to help her out since you have already presented the options to them in the way best known to you.
The choices made by our elders need not affect our perceptions or our lineage. Choices define personal trajectories. Our legacy can be whatever we want it to be as a result of the choices we make in our lives. I strongly recommend a visit to a psychotherapist for you to continue to process these mixed feelings.
(Dr Aman R Bhonsle is a qualified Psychosocial Analyst and a Professional Youth Mentor with specialisation in Transactional Analysis and REBT. He is available for consultation at the Heart To Heart Counselling Centre.)
