My girlfriend flirted with my best friend in front of me and I ignored it. Under the influence of a few drinks she later said, ‘he’s so sexy he must be hot in bed’. It bothered me. I know my best friend, who though happily married today, has been quite active with the girls with his own admission. I trust him, but I am extremely uncomfortable with my girlfriend’s behaviour. I am not a possessive man and I know banter when I see it. On mentioning my discomfort with her behaviour, she called it a joke, labelled me super serious and became cold with me for days. Call me a romantic fool, but I’m a ‘one woman man’ and seek the same from her. This has just not gone down well with me, and my discomfort has not gone down well with her. How do I process all this and what should I do?
Romantic alliances are largely monogamous and predicated on the concept of ‘loyalty’ so your discomfort with her remark is understandable. But is it justified? Your knowledge of your partner will play a crucial role in your analysis of what may have perhaps provoked her to make a remark like that. Let’s hypothesize a few possible reasons by posing them as questions you could consider asking her at a mutually convenient and perhaps more relaxed moment between you both.
Was the comment a disguised taunt on your sexual prowess in bed – to invoke jealousy in you about how she desires other men because you don’t satisfy her? Was it a comment made by her to test your own tolerance for such behaviour and remarks? Is she the kind of person who likes to incite ‘incidents’ with her tendency for loose remarks or as some would say ‘shooting from the hip’? Was her comment made under the influence of alcohol (which means she had a little control over the impulsive remarks that escaped her)? Is the kind of humour that she enjoys (in her interactions with significant others) usually at the a jibe, poke or borderline sharp comment cost of another person’s feelings? Was her comment a way to get you to look her way because she feels like she doesn’t have enough of your time, affections or attention? Was her comment a subliminal way to tell you that she’s not over an ex-partner and that you need to work hard or stay on your toes to measure up to the kind of sex she once enjoyed? Was her comment just her way of trying to show you that she doesn’t shy away from being edgy comments and she’s ‘cool’ with discussing sex openly?
As you can see, the possibilities for analysis are many but such ‘overthinking’ is of little value. You need to revisit this topic with your partner and make sure you communicate your feelings to her in a way that doesn’t look like you are blaming her, shaming her or showing her that she is in some way ‘a compromised partner’ for having said that. The ways to suturing emotional and verbal wounds in relationships is still through the old fashioned ‘let’s talk about it approach’. People sometimes forget that their timing of a conversation or their tone during the conversation (if accusatory or pedantic) can throw a partner off rather than the content within the message itself. Surely, the wounds are still fresh so you may still feel the sting of her comment but you need to ask yourself the ‘space’ from where her comment emerged.
The above questions may help you filter or direct your queries accordingly once you know more directly from her. There is nothing foolish about romance but cold-wars seldom augur well for those involved. You could let her know that you are deeply uncomfortable with her coldness and that if things continue this way where there is poor communication or no communication, your investment in the relationship will suffer as a result. Make sure this piece of information reaches her in as matter a fact a manner as possible so it isn’t perceived as a veiled threat of you ‘pulling out’ or resorting to ‘extreme measures’. Relationships are built on trust, respect, negotiation and healthy adaptation. Make sure this is what you communicate to your partner as well.
(Aman R Bhonsle is a qualified Psychosocial Analyst and a Professional Youth Mentor with specialisation in Transactional Analysis and REBT. He is available for consultation at the Heart To Heart Counselling Centre.)
