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Sex and Relationships

Updated on: Sunday, November 14, 2021, 11:51 AM IST

Sex and The City: Worried about sexual performance

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Q: My ex-wife had filed for divorce claiming that I am impotent. The fact is that I was anxious and depressed over my father’s cancer treatment and the financial strain immediately after we got married, and did not feel like being intimate, though I was loving and caring towards her. I know that I have no sexual problems as I met a sexologist who certified that as well. Yet I am extremely stressed about my sexual performance due to my upcoming marriage to a lovely girl who I am attracted to and have been dating for the last six months. How do I deal with this?

Ans. The impotence clause can be a tricky one. Understandably, your issues with your wife were emotional in nature and that cascaded to affect the sexual relationship that you both shared. This is both expected and common. Adverse circumstances have a sneaky way of engulfing every aspect of our life. The body and mind are connected despite the fact that we have different words for them.

One’s mood, libido, productivity and even competence across key disciplines may be ruffled as a result of how adverse marital circumstances are being emotionally processed. You were put through the wringer due to the financial strain and health challenges within your family and for that you cannot be blamed. You did what you could to rise up to the challenges life tossed your way and you got mixed results that most human beings in your situation would have, and that’s alright too. It was a hard situation to be in and yet you managed to stay afloat.

A marriage need not be seen as an examination where you study hard to get the best results possible. A marriage requires the full participation of two individuals to stay ahead of the curve. Fortunately, you’ve got another shot at this. It is vital that you approach your new relationship with a sense of excitement, calm and honesty as you orient yourself into the role of a husband once again. The biases and wounds that are carried over from previous embitterment and relationships can threaten to injure this fresh beginning that you’re looking to establish. If this girl is, in fact, lovely and all is well between both of you for the past six months of your courtship period, then worrying is unlikely to help navigate you towards a pleasant outcome.

Your sexual performance will be contingent on how comfortable you feel around your partner. Prioritise how open and friendly you are with each other. Your new wife will bring with her a world of expectations, strengths, limitations and quirks. You will have to accept those and find a way to adapt to those too.

If a part of you worries that she will be disappointed in you the way your previous wife was, then that is a generalisation and over-simplification geared at standardising and stereotyping what women want from men and how women think. If your new wife loves you and wishes to nurture you, the understanding she shows you will be a reflection of that spirit of care rather than any measurement criteria.

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Published on: Sunday, November 14, 2021, 11:51 AM IST
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