I am looking for marriage and am on dating apps, as well as some matrimonial websites. But my experience so far is of men just wanting to jump in bed without getting serious. I used to feel liberated having sex with men who showed interest, but now it’s annoying when sex is suggested, as my experience is that they disappear after some fun beneath the sheets. I feel frustrated and depressed as I have met so many men, but no one wants to take it further with me. I also miss having sex but don’t want to go down the same road again. I also worry whether I will come across as a prude and standoffish if I deny sex to someone who really likes me. Please help.
One can not ‘look’ for a marriage as it’s not available on any online store or through a service contract. Marriage is created – not discovered. Marriage requires the trust, sensitivity, respect, honesty, patience and the passions of two people to match for each other – for it to work. Marriage is the result of a shared decision for companionship.
The unwritten rule is that one must first learn to be a good companion to oneself if one is looking to be a good companion to someone else. When a person is no longer insecure or needy, they are more likely to find a person who is enamoured by their confidence and clarity of vision.
Sex is a choice. It’s a choice you have made and it’s a choice your partner has to make. Sex with a willing and consenting partner above a certain legal age – doesn’t make people ‘bad’ or ‘immoral’ in any manner even though certain cultures or faiths may render such a belief ‘an evil of the modern world’. You have to make your choices.
The moment sex becomes a power struggle and point of leverage, then lovemaking warps into a Pavlovian experiment where rewards and punishments are administered when performance indices are met. Human beings are not pigeons and mice.
We benefit from a sense of propriety and are fully in synch with our roles and the time period we live in. Ask a squirrel what its morals on sex are and you are unlikely to get a usable response.
Both men and women are free to decide what they are serious about and what they don’t take seriously. To say that men don’t take you seriously is to throw the responsibility on these men for being such a disappointment. Remember that the same indices apply to you.
People do not exist on our planet to be ‘convenient’. People are just people. Flawed, insecure, petty and sometimes rather oblivious or lost. This doesn’t make people bad. This just means that everyone is on their personal journey to get what they want from this world.
If you expect seriousness from men, maybe consider being extremely serious about the things that matter to you first. Learn to set an even tone with men so that you get both the respect and admiration that you will have to work to earn. Due to high levels of testosterone in men, they are attracted to the bodies of women.
To seek out a mate is part of a man’s genetic design and yet this is not a way to say that they are ‘choiceless and hapless beings’ who have been programmed to be a certain way.
This is just a way to let you know that what they seek out from a woman – is their problem to attend to and not your problem to take care of. It is perfectly normal and natural for both genders to seek sexual fulfilment from each other. Both people involved need to feel involved and respected for the act to feel passionate and enjoyable.
So once the deed is done, where do these men disappear to? Are there certain qualities that you have that make them not want to engage with you beyond a few sexual encounters?
Perhaps it has nothing to do with you and more to do with your screening process of the kind of men you have let into your life so far. Nobody’s to blame. That is unnecessary.
While it is true that many men will also want to have sex with a woman and are disinterested in the conversations and moments that follow – it is your job to perhaps filter such men out of your life so that you don’t feel like you have been used and dumped which can understandably feel insulting and infuriating. Don’t blame yourself. Merely go back to the drawing board.
Remember that, prude and standoffish people are more concerned with winning than fixing problems. Your body and mind are strictly your business. Maybe get to know a person before getting physical with him? That way, you will be clearer with yourself about the extent to which your life’s goals and philosophies match.
You need to be clear with what you want and communicate this to any man you have a romantic affiliation with. So what do you want more – the freewheeling liberation of sex without consequences or the slightly more loaded and permanent social stamp of marriage that defines the road ahead for you?