Sex and the City: The humiliated husband

I am married to a beautiful woman prone to histrionics and violence. I feel foolish today, as I had seen her behaviour before our marriage, but still got married to her. I am also addicted to porn, sex chatting, and carry the burden of sexual pleasuring with boys in my school camps as a teenager. My wife was fully aware of all this and still wanted to marry me. I think she went ahead only to have a good life, as she is a small town girl and I come from a big city industrial family with lots of money. Today, I am constantly humiliated by her for my past, the porn addiction, and the fact that I don’t have sex with her as I am repulsed by her behaviour. I feel trapped in this marriage. She has physically injured me many times. She threatens to embarrass me and my family by going public about my sexual past and present, if I talk about a divorce. I feel like the only reason I’m holding on to this is because she’s good army candy at social functions & adds value to my Instagram feed. My family wants me to get out of the marriage but I feel frozen. Please help.

The detailed account of your suffering spells out 2 facts. 1) You have suffered willingly 2) You have a rather complete picture of the manner in which your wife’s behaviour is a threat and a challenge. Now that you know this, an inert response on your part will lead to the abuse continuing unchecked.

There’s a qualitative difference between rolling with the punches and rolling because of the punches and the latter seems to be the situation – in your case.

Either you leave a woman who taunts and attacks you or you decide to spend life under the continued peril that you have described in your question to me. What will you choose? We all have our needs have agendas to attend to based on what we are willing to give up or go after. She wanted a better life. You wanted a pretty wife.

The nature of this transaction culminated in a wedding but a marriage is so much more than an event. An event where (some may argue) - people show up at to click photos, try out new outfits, rate the catering, please the crowd and partake in some entertainment. Your marriage is your responsibility to retool or exit.

Nobody can gift wrap peace and present it to you. Your addiction to porn might be a humiliating thought for your wife to live with and perhaps her need to hit back at you is her way at seeking some form of retribution. While her methods are crass and venomous, her pain must not be ignored.

A woman marries a man seeking physical and emotional gratification with him. She had others reasons as well – as you have mentioned...but is there a part of her that wanted ‘more’ from the relationship you will share? A lot of what we do and don’t do – is about the manner in which we manage our expectations.

If you think that you have had enough, then go ahead and divorce her and mend your conundrum – once and for all. Even if you decide to not leave her, your conundrum continues because of the threat she poses – based on past trends. There is no merit in vilifying her or the situation. To act in accordance with your self-preservation instincts wouldn’t be such a bad idea.

Chat with a lawyer and speak to a relationship counsellor of your choosing and perhaps you will find a way to safetly chart your way through this mess. It is a mess. Make no mistake and you’re going to have to make some difficult choices.

The choice to stay in this marriage and suffer for sure or the choice to exit this marriage and perhaps suffer if your wife follows through with the threats that she has made towards you. Your family has already told you what they think you should do. Nevertheless, you need to be completely responsible for what you do and how you deal with this situation.

Porn can change one’s expectations from the sexual act and that is sometimes a high or low bar to clear for some women who may be unwilling to oblige you in ways in which pornstars oblige their partners on screen.

If your wife is sexually frustrated and you are emotionally violated, that’s two people who are scared of the inevitable discord that is experienced the moment you will lock horns with each other.

The extent of my help is restricted to being able to show you the situation for what it is. A dour and unpleasant ordeal that’s also led to a stalemate where no-one’s really growing.

So where would you like to be going? Free from abuse? Or captive in a marriage that’s merely a footnote in the greater design and plans that you have for your life? You get to choose which road you will take.

If fear is your problem, then know that nothing great on this planet was ever achieved without a little bit of doubt and fear temporarily gripping the minds and fantasies of explorers and inventors! There are no 100% certainties to anything in life.

We do our best with the information that’s available to us. In the absence of information, all we have is our experience and imagination to guide us. Either ways, the road to peace is paved through a combination of the right smarts and the right starts. So what’s your choice going to be?

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