Q: My husband and I never consummated our marriage, and have two lovely kids with assisted reproduction. There was some mutual pleasuring through the years, which was okay for both of us. But now I find myself extremely attracted to my salsa teacher with whom I have had sex twice. I now crave it and am afraid that I am being sucked into a full-fledged affair that might have other repercussions in my otherwise stable life. I feel conflicted between what my body wants and what my mind says. What should I do?
Ans: An affair isn’t a wind turbine that uses an air current to suck you in. Either you choose to indulge in an affair or you choose to stay true to the idea and construct of marriage despite the challenges you face as an individual or as a couple. If your husband finds out about your affair, there’s a chance that you'll be indicted, blamed, shamed and judged for sleeping with another man.
Are you willing to risk your relationship with your husband should such revelations occur? While your keenness for intercourse is understandable, did you discuss the matter of your sexual dissatisfaction with your husband before cheating on him with another man?
Marriages and sexual relationships require constant tending and tweaking for them to feel mutually fulfilling, exciting and fresh. It’s like refreshing your screen when the icons hang! You must find new ways to refresh your relationship if you’re feeling bored or stale as one of its participants.
What separates human beings from the rest of the creatures on our planet are the emotional and social bonds we are capable of forming in addition to our physical attraction to each other. Sex in human beings is thus seen as an extension of that shared honesty, intimacy, vulnerability and care for each other that's expressed through faithfulness and an ongoing renewal of interest in a single partner of one’s choice.
Monogamy is one of the founding principles of marriage in most societies. And, it would seem that by sleeping with your salsa instructor you have strayed from that very principle required for a marriage to be considered and defined as a marriage. Yet, no one can force you to be faithful to your husband. It would be an unfortunate revelation for him once he finds out you’re having your sexual needs met elsewhere and that could affect his self-esteem and attitude towards the relationship you’ll share. Conflict may follow.
There are moments and inflection points in every relationship. This may just be that bend in the street that takes you towards a future you had not planned for. An unexpected path awaits. In many marriages, a partner or partners may stop feeling attracted to each other (as they once did) and they may find themselves drawn to someone else. In looking for that lost spark and to rediscover that missing emotional and sexual excitement in life, certain choices are made.
Moral judgement aside, it is vital to make an assessment of the general emotional health of one’s relationship — from time to time. A general talk on all matters in a relationship that could prove contentious or uncomfortable needs to be discussed and worked on from time to time.
If you are looking to have your needs met outside, it would mean that you feel your husband is falling short in some manner. These are private and subjective assessments.
Perhaps your needs are compounding in a manner that’s faster than his ability to address them. Either way, labels won’t help but a visit to a marriage counsellor may help you reconcile the split you feel between your bodily needs and the emotions that follow.
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