Sex and Relationships

Updated on: Sunday, January 02, 2022, 09:22 AM IST

Sex and The City: Not just an act of giving!


Q: My wife often refers to our intimacy as she ‘giving me sex’. I hate this and have told her that physical intimacy is ‘shared’ and not ‘given’ to each other. I now wonder whether she is engaging in sex as a chore and I feel as if I must be obligated to her for the sexual pleasure I experience. This has contaminated our sex life. Please advise.

Ans. The psychological conditioning for many women is to be of service to their men in a typically patriarchal society. They’ve been fed on the archaic idea that men must lead them and feed them while they sit pretty and follow their men into the many pockets and corners of life. Looking at sex as something that is to be given or taken by a woman devolves it into service. You telling her that intimacy is something that is shared may decidedly be a new concept to her or one she’ll probably accept someday.

Wondering whether she is engaging in sex as a chore is a side effect of rumination. Ruminating can lead to relational blunders if clear-cut meanings are not drawn out of all shared interactions. Assumptions are nobody’s friend. One must never operate in a relationship from a place of obligation and subjugation since a healthy relationship is one that is voluntarily shared between two equals. You need to make your partner feel comfortable around you too. She must not feel pressed upon to be available to you sexually when she is not

in the mood for it. Tune into

her needs.

There are several reasons why a woman may feel like she has to ‘give her man sex’. Perhaps your sexual appetites do not match or maybe she’s just not feeling physically up for it. Maybe the man has been forceful with her in the past or she's used to giving in to the desires of others. Something could be physically or mentally bothering her or weighing on her conscience. These things are to ascertain unless she openly talks about it.

Park all assumptions and ready the stage for open dialogue to understand why she feels like she has to ‘give sex’ to you as opposed to it being a loving and mutually pleasurable act for both of you’ll. This requires investigation and patience on your part. Meeting a qualified marriage counsellor or sex therapist may help her open up. One’s sex life must be a function of the care, compassion and curiosity one feels towards each another’s mind and body.

For sex to be fun and honest, both partners need to want it and therefore some negotiation is required to ascertain the best ways, times, moods and situations for sex to be mutually pleasurable as opposed to it being perceived as something a partner gives to another partner to placate them or help them scratch that itch. Sex is a two-way commitment to pleasure and romance. Secrets and speculation tend to cause paranoia and bitterness so I suggest you’ll continue to speak it out sooner than later.

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Published on: Sunday, January 02, 2022, 09:22 AM IST