I am feeling extremely horny during the lockdown and have no way of being with my girlfriend which I was used to. With her huge family in a small house, there is also no privacy for her to come on Skype for some fun. I am therefore turning to a lot of porn as I live alone. My interest in staying in touch with my girlfriend on WhatsApp is waning and it’s upsetting her. I am so hooked to porn and on the verge of a breakup. I feel guilty. Please advice.
Ans: Feeling horny is a natural state of being. You share this ‘feeling’ with several other species on this planet. Some species look for a reason to have sex and some species wait for a season to have sex. It is normal and natural to want to express yourself as a sexual being. However, what separates human beings from our friends in the animal kingdom is our ability to form deep emotional bonds with a partner for a sustained period of time - beyond the shared pursuits of child rearing.
Sex is thus the riveting opening act to what may become the magnum opus of your life - filled with memories of love, cheer and a friendship unlike any other you share with someone. A bond that is cemented by a sense of respect and togetherness can guide you home through any number of storms. The Covid-19 pandemic is one such storm. People are scared. People are confused. People - all over the world - are unable to meet each other due to this pandemic and it’s doing a number on many relationships as a result of the unfamiliar and changed circumstances.
Look at the sexual component of your relationship as simply one crucial aspect of the relationship. A deep and meaningful conversation about a topic that you find riveting, trying to cook something together by chatting over a video call, playing an online board game together, watching a riveting TV series together and exchanging notes on the episode - can just be as invigorating and fun as sexual intercourse, if you have partnered up with someone who excites you emotionally and with whom a sharing of ideas is possible. Your girlfriend may not be able to meet any expectations of a heightened, dramatized and exaggerated sexual performance that you may have witnessed while watching porn.
In fact, what you expect from her in bed could possibly intimidate her or even turn her off as she may feel like you are merely focussing on the carnal aspect of sex without really emotionally connecting with her. She is upset because she could be wanting more from the relationship. You need to ask her to state her expectations and you must listen to her thoughts without any biases. And if you are losing interest in the relationship, you owe her the truth - so that you both can move on. If you would like to work on other aspects of the relationship that don’t just involve sex, then that stays as an option too.