Sex and The City: Feeling of rejection

We have infrequent sex and even on those occasions my husband does not ejaculate inside me. He ejaculates when he masturbates, but not during intercourse. We want a baby and have been advised by the doctor to go in for artificial insemination. It feels strange to conceive that way. Moreover, I feel unattractive and rejected when he can’t ejaculate in me. I feel depressed with this process which is so unromantic and so mechanical. Please advise.

Ans: Sex – like most of life’s pursuits – requires a certain degree of practice. Sex may also need to be scheduled by the couple – if both have a busy schedule. The time of the day can be experimented with by the couple – to find an optimal frequency to set the mood and have mutually pleasurable sexual intercourse. It’s quite possible that your husband’s ejaculation patterns follow his masturbation habits.

Masturbation is a solo activity while sexual intercourse requires the participation of another human being. While related, these are two different sexual experiences and there is always the chance that one experience is preferred over the other one. Troubleshooting may need to take place so that the missing ingredients that would make the act pleasurable for both of you are addressed in a direct manner.

It would be helpful for both of you to engage in intimacy more often so that you familiarise yourselves with what you enjoy in bed as a couple. Bodily exploration becomes necessary to understand this better. It’s important to discuss this stuff openly and without bias as well. Artificial insemination is an option if you are on a deadline and all other options have been exhausted by both of you.

Feeling unattractive can definitely be a pressing concern. This must not be ignored. As far as rejection is concerned, can choose to feel rejected or not feel rejected depending on how we rank ourselves as individuals based on a series of constantly evolving criteria. People reject us when we are ill suited to their plans and needs. That needn’t reflect upon us as human beings since everyone wants something different from their life, their jobs, their spouses and even their day!

Being a spouse isn’t a competition so it shouldn’t be treated as such. You must learn to be comfortable with doing your best and then letting yourself rest. It’s important to tell your husband how that you feel about this sense of rejection that you feel without pointing accusatory fingers at him or holding him responsible for the despair you are currently experiencing. If he feels like he’s under fire, he may get dismissive, defensive or even push back or pull back.

While it would seem that certain people could potentially catalyse certain emotions in us based on how they behave with us, it’s important to realise that they are never ever fully responsible for these emotions that we experience. It’s our beliefs and expectations from people and from situations that may make us feel bitter. How we choose to perceive situations may set an emotional tone that will dictate the trajectory of our choices.

If you like to be loved, your husband needs to know that. How you’d like to be loved, specifically needs to also be communicated to him too. No doubt, some degree of learning and unlearning may need to take place in how he expresses himself to you – If you’re feeling ignored. It’s important for both of you to go see a good marriage counsellor at this point so you both can learn a little bit about how to open up to each other and talk about uncomfortable and loaded topics with each other. Artificial insemination may feel impersonal but that is an option that is becoming quite popular these days. Do not transfer or accept blame but also, discuss the matter with your husband with a mediator who can help track and monitor both the discussion and the expectations.

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