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Sex and Relationships

Updated on: Sunday, December 05, 2021, 04:44 AM IST

Sex and The City: Dealing with sexual fantasies

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Q: I am a 30-year-old heterosexual woman with intrusive thoughts of being touched by a woman. When I was a kid and holidaying with my family, a lady hotel receptionist had fondled me and I had enjoyed it. I forgot about it later on and had several boyfriends and have enjoyed sex too. I have not had any encounters with women. Yet, I keep wondering and obsessing about my sexual orientation because the childhood memories keep coming back. I have some really good female friends but I have never felt sexually attracted towards anyone. I wonder how to get these intrusive thoughts out of my head. Please help.

Ans. Sometimes, early sexual experiences in children can slowly become a point of fixation during their growing up years. Whether the experience was favourable, awkward or numbing can play a big role in how children view sex and what fantasies they hold on to. As an adult, how you choose to respond to your sexual urges is entirely up to you. You have had boyfriends and enjoyed sex with them. This is a clear indicator of your heterosexual inklings. Had you wished to experiment sexually with women, you'd have been classified as bisexual.

A visit to a sex therapist could present you with the opportunity to freely discuss your feelings and chalk out a concrete plan to explore your sexuality. What does this entail? It entails exploring the emotions that you felt in that moment when the lady hotel receptionist touched you.

Subdued emotions act as vessels of discontent and you may find yourself journeying through life in a haze. You have stated that you do not feel attracted to any of your female friends, which is also a rather clear indicator that you are unlikely to have lesbian tendencies. Struggling with self-doubt can sometimes convince us that we don’t know who we are or what we stand for but that is not the truth.

Self-doubt visits every human being at various stages of their life. Your self-doubt involves pondering about your sexual orientation. In such moments of intrigue, it is important to ally yourself with the facts of a situation rather than how you feel about a situation. Facts stem from evidence and feelings stem from responses to thoughts that we have. Every thought need not be taken seriously or entertained as many thoughts are transitionary as we try to constantly finalise the how, the what, the when, the why and the wheres of our lives. There is no final conclusion to anything in life.

You need not embrace labels to seek completion within yourself. More importantly, the answer to your question is hidden within your question. You have used the word ‘obsessed’ to define the thoughts that are bothering you. An obsession is a fascination and with time, all fascinations evolve and dissolve since human beings continue to be subservient to needs that alter and make them falter towards a goal that sometimes seems concrete but often crumbles. If you learn to observe your thoughts without juxtaposing morality, culture and labels and simply let them pass through, you’ll find yourself relieved. For any further excavation of any covert emotions you may be experiencing, I highly recommend a visit to a sex therapist.

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Published on: Sunday, December 05, 2021, 07:00 AM IST
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