Q. I love my husband, but I don’t find him attractive. We recently got married through an arranged marriage, and I agreed because he is a good, responsible guy. But now, the thought of kissing him makes me cringe. The worst part is that his younger brother is very attractive, and I already fantasise about him. Please help.
Ans: It is a two-in-one deal: one responsible and one attractive, both in the same household. The smartest thing you can do is to turn this into an opportunity to explore different ‘turn ons’ and sexual response cycles. We don’t always have to be attracted to someone physically to be intimate with them.
In fact, for most people, spontaneous desire for a partner decreases with time, even for those who were initially very attracted to each other. Does it mean that all couples stop being physical? Absolutely not. Those who have understood that there are two main pathways to physical pleasure know that arousal and desire don’t always have to be spontaneous. They can also be initiated and reached by engaging in a specific activity or sensations, the type of role play they enjoy, etc.
Whatever turns them on! They make time for physical intimacy with their partners and prepare. They start with what turns them on and then get aroused. They experience what is called a responsive desire to stimuli in this order: activity, arousal, response to arousal, more activity and orgasm. This is very different from spontaneous desire driven by an initial attraction but not less rewarding. The sexual response cycle based on spontaneous desire is what we see in movies.
It is exciting but not always realistic, especially in long-term relationships and arranged marriages. The order of this sexual response cycle follows this trajectory: spontaneous desire, activity, arousal, more activity and orgasm. Maybe your current situation is an opportunity to practice both! You can always start with something that doesn’t involve kissing.
The writer is an Intimacy and Relationship Coach, Founder of The Intimacy Curator, an organisation promoting self-discovery through emotional and sexual well-being (). (Have a query? Send it on )
(To receive our E-paper on whatsapp daily, please click here. We permit sharing of the paper's PDF on WhatsApp and other social media platforms.)