Candid Corner: Woes of a divorcee

Q: I have been divorced twice and this aspect keeps coming up each time my parents discuss an alliance. It's like my fault that the marriage fell apart. Both my marriages were arranged by my parents and they are aware of the reasons why both didn't work out. Due to the constant nagging, I moved out of my parents' house and live alone. Now, they have come up with another alliance and want me to hide the fact that I was divorced twice and say only once instead. I am not comfortable with this. What should I do?

Ans: It seems as your parents could do with some matchmaking training with Sima Taparia. I am sure they want the best for you but perhaps don’t know a better way to show their love than getting you married. Divorce is not a deadly disease but just a practical way to end an expired type of relationship. Some marriages have expiry dates, some last forever.

We all have different ways of relating to one another, different values, needs, hopes and tolerance levels. Maybe your parents and you did not account for these differences when tying the knots. Unlike common belief, horoscope, caste and bank balance are not always enough to define the longevity of a marriage.

Elizabeth Taylor divorced seven times and our Indian Kabir Bedi three. Moving out has been a great decision, now let’s look at other ways to cut the umbilical cord between you, your parents and the knot-tying mania. Do you want to get married? Or are you just doing it to make your parents happy? Now that you have time on your own, figure that out first before even going to meet a third alliance.

You need to seriously think about what your own needs and feelings are, if you want to maintain good relationships with your parents and with a potential future partner. Maybe post COVID you can send your parents for a holiday, instead of getting married again. Travel is fun and mind opening. With regards to telling your prospective bride about the past divorces, I think nothing could be worse than starting off another relationship with a lie.

(The writer is an Intimacy & Relationship Coach and an Independent People and Culture Specialist focusing on relationships, sexuality, youth and social media in South Asia. Have a query? Send it on fpjcandidcorner@gmail.com)

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